As I paused to stop and think today about meditation, I was struck by the thought of who is the most important person in my life. And the answer? Me.
Why is this so important? Simple. Because if I’m the most important, I could be headed for trouble. This program is not about me or any other egotistical person. First of all it’s all about staying sober a day at a time. Secondly, or primarily, it’s about living a spiritual way of life. In other words, turning our lives and minds toward a Higher Power.
I know that while I was drinking alcohol my primary thought was about alcohol. Secondarily it was about me. I arrived in this program, when I avoided my suicide, when I was given hope and surrendered. Then I came in and turned my thoughts over to myself. My ego.
My old sponsor and those old timers did for me what they were doing for all the early alcoholics back in that time. Ego deflation in depth. Cutting people like myself down to size. Getting us out of ourselves and into working this program and changing.
Of course the First Step had already been accomplished, without my knowledge, before I came here. The next Step came after a while in here. When my second sponsor got me to read that fourth chapter in the BB. The Second Step, which began to turn my life around. To get me out of myself, my enormous ego, and into the program itself.
The beginning of living a spiritual way of life.
This spiritual way of life opened the door to the rest of these Twelve Steps, but it also introduced me into prayer and meditation. Trying to grow closer to my Higher Power, who, along with the members in here, helped me to stay sober a day at a time. In fact I was surprised when the Eleventh and Twelfth Steps began to appear and grow, while I was still working my way through the other Steps. The people in here, along with my sponsor, encouraged me to put them into use.
Over the time in here, because time does take time, (nothing will ever happen overnight), I had to do a lot of work on myself to begin to change in the right way. And, as time passed, I wasn’t paying attention beyond what was right in front of me. And what was that? Over a lot of time, as ego deflation in depth began to fade, I didn’t recognize who it was that was taking over. And, of course, that was me.
I knew, and was encouraged, that I had to place myself first, when it comes to staying sober. I’m the only one who can stay sober for me. If it was possible for me to drift into self forgetting I could find myself back toward alcohol. I had seen that happen over time to others. They seemed to have forgotten why they were here.
As I was thinking about this today, I realize that a sense of balance is what I was lacking. Focusing on staying sober a day at a time, but then opening my mind up to not only helping others, but growing more in touch with the God of my understanding. Also I have to look at those, who have helped and continue to help me stay sober.
Anyway I just had to stop and think about all of this. It draws my attention to where it belongs. Focused on gratitude that I owe to my Higher Power and all those who have helped me to stay sober in spite of myself. I know the self centered thoughts I stumble over from time to time exist because I’m not a saint, as the BB points out. I’m the human being it talks about. I’m going to run into my old faults. I need to try to stay aware and keep on changing. I’m glad I stopped and thought about this.