Among other things one of the subjects today was forgiveness. Forgiveness was one of those things which haunted me for a long time after I got sober.
I know I probably drove my old sponsor crazy with my thoughts about how I was worried that I had never been forgiven. And then there was all that stuff about my forgiving others. All I knew back then was what my old sponsor was trying to tell me. On top of that I had at one time studied enough theology to have an understanding of sorts.
What I was finally able to learn from all of this was that, if I wanted to forgive others, I had to be able to forgive myself. Otherwise I would hold onto blaming others for their stuff against me. Pretty much what I was told by my old sponsor and what I had learned along the way.
So I had to get into facing myself and taking on my being willing to forgive myself, rather than driving myself crazy, just worrying about whether I would be forgiven for all I had done. One of the things I had to be able to do was to get out of my own way. I had to become willing not to worry one way or another about being forgiven. I just had to step aside and learn how to forgive me.
Not an overnight event. But in time I did learn to let go of blaming myself for all this junk out there. I had to begin to have some humility. That was a totally unnatural thing for an over sized ego. I had to learn to think back at what my sponsor and those old timers taught me by practicing ego deflation in depth with this alcoholic. Like I said, not an easy practice, but nevertheless one that eventually worked.
Once I was able to get out of my own way and forgive myself, I could see how it was necessary to accomplish that so that I could let go of others. I could stop blaming them for things they might not have even been guilty of. Just that egotistical blaming exercises I would go through in order to justify my anger. Need to try to continue to remember what that was all about.
I know that if I want to continue to stay sober I have to continue to try to grow up. Part of my relying on my Higher Power, who is the basis of my staying sober a day at a time. Need to have hope, followed by faith, and finally love. I am so grateful for what I have so slowly learned in here. Even though I must remember I’m not a saint. I’m just a human being, who will stumble and fumble and bumble in this life. I hope I can continue to do what I need to do. Have to go to meetings and stop and pray and meditate.