From time to time I hear members in here, and of course the literature, reminding us of our need to keep the door open on this program, from beginning and on and on. When I grow aware of this from time to time, I find myself opening up the BB and the 12&12. And I also find that I have places in these I keep going back to time and time again.
One of those, which caught my attention a long time ago, was in the Eighth Step in 12&12. The part about the damage our emotions did to us over and over again. I am well aware of what it is talking about. Things hidden deep down within us. Talking about the harm done others. It states that the harm we did might not be all that deep. However the harm we did to ourselves is extremely deep. I can look back and see what it is saying.
It was that kind of person, so damaged deep within, with a discolored personality and a life altered for the worst. Hard to imagine. But, as time went on, I discovered the truth about who and what I was that I brought into this program. And I came to realize I had to change. Not an easy job, but, with the help of my old sponsor and those old timers, I got the help I needed.
All this began, after I had surrendered one hundred percent to that First Step. It was then that I was introduced to the spiritual way of life, and a Higher Power. And this opened the door to the rest of this program, a day at a time. Not an easy journey, but one that began to work after quite a while in here. Each and everyday I could find myself going forward and sometimes a little backwards. But always slowly moving ahead through these Steps.
And not just the Steps themselves. I was often given good directions which helped me to begin to change my mind. My way of thinking and feeling. I learned to step back and get out of my own way. I learned to change my way of life, in all its facets, from the negative to the positive. I learned to accept a new way of life. To become grateful. To begin to live at peace with myself and others. To grow in happiness and peace of mind and heart. I began to grow in hope, faith, and love. To undergo deep changes within. To have the sanity I needed restored and changed. And, of course, as the BB points out, the spiritual awakening I so desperately needed.
Of course, each and everyday, I have to stop and think about why I am here and what it is I need to do. And all that begins each morning, when I have to once again stay sober this very day. It’s one day at a time. Not a week or a month, but right now. I am not to project into the future, nor to go back into the past. It’s always right now. And I need to stop and listen to others like myself by going to meetings. And I need to pray and try to meditate or think about what it is I am doing. And, of course, to be grateful. To give thanks to my Higher Power and all those, who have helped me to stay sober and continue to grow spiritually and humanly.