Doesn’t matter what the nature of the disturbance is, but, whenever I’m disturbed, there is something wrong with me. The truth of that has been borne out in my experience over a lot of years. It’s still true today. And I am disturbed. That’s what’s wrong with me at the moment.
First calm the disturbance. That’s what my sponsor always told me. And that’s why I’m sitting here now, writing this. I have found that it’s in the writing and sharing that I have come to peace with these disturbances. It’s the calming factor in every case.
Whenever I have been disturbed, there is always a determining factor. And that is one of learning once again to accept something I deeply resist. That inner quarrel with myself, which seeks to blame someone else for what is wrong with me. However, I have learned over a long period and from a lot of inner bruises, that what someone else may do or say has little to do with the disturbance. In reality, I want to fight and argue. That’s my nature, unfortunately.
Whenever something sparks something within me, I immediately go outside of myself looking for trouble. Bill W. was right, when he said that someplace along the line, something we said or did started the ball rolling. It’s sometimes humiliating to go back and search for my part in the disturbance. I hate that. My stubborness is often the root cause of these disturbances.
Often, as is the case today, is my self righteousness. My determination not to be wrong. My commitment to be justified in my anger. Justifiable anger. Hmm. Where did I hear that before? Injured pride. The number one sin, Bill talks about. The one a friend of mine says he often finds himself stumbling over. Well, I’m stumbling and bumbling today.
Okay. Now I know what’s wrong. What’s disturbing me. And, what’s the next step? I guess that’s turning it over and letting go. Surrender and acceptance again. Placing myself back into the hands of my higher power. Asking the God of my understanding for the power to carry his will out instead of my own.
Just now the thought of something Bill quoted, “Of myself I am nothing, my father does the work”. So far he’s done a better job of it than I ever could. I’m still sober in spite of myself and grateful for all of that.