A friend of mine called me this morning. In his conversation he mentioned the word “delusion”. He was using it in thinking back to his drinking days. On the other hand, I went back to what Bill said about it in the BB.
A delusion is a false belief. How many times I deluded myself over and over again that I was okay in my drinking. Talk about insanity. That was insane. Bill on the other hand used it not only in our thinking about drinking, but a lot of other things. He said “The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.”
I’ve thought about that sentence many times over the years. To me it means that others can drink, but I can’t. Not safely, anyway. But it means a lot more than that. My thinking and my reactions are probably not the same as those we call “normal”. It’s true, as the result of this program, that I can live a normal life without drinking, but I’m not sure I’m really like the man next to me or ever will be.
That man can drink alcohol and never think about it. When he’s finished drinking, he’s not going to think there’s anything wrong. He’s probably not going to think he needs another drink. He’s not going to think that maybe he needs help. He’s probably not going to wake up the next day and think anything about alcohol. And worse, in the mind of an alcoholic, he may never have finished his drink.
Plus, from what I have witnessed in myself and others like me, this man probably doesn’t react to things the way we do. My reactions are often designed to get me back to a drink. All I have to do is to check out how I’ve reacted to a minor crisis in my life. Major stuff is not a problem. But just a traffic stop can send my reaction to near the top of the scale.
Someone pulls out in front of me in traffic is enough to arouse, not just anger, but a whole lot of resentment. All of which are invitations to the next drink.
I’d bet the normal man wouldn’t think that way. And if he did think “I need a drink”, it would be just that; a drink.
I was also thinking, in my association with people other than alcoholics, that I often have nothing in common with them. Brief conversations, yes. But extended talks I find boring. We have nothing in common to talk about. Put me in among a group of alcoholics and everything, even the commonplace, is of great interest. And something else often pops up in my conversations with regular folks. Am I interested in having a drink? Particularly at social functions.
And therein is the problem. We live in a drinking society. Alcohol is everywhere. It’s all around us. Alcohol never takes a vacation. Never a day off. And therein lies the value of my associating with others like myself. The BB says that we are not the kind of people who would normally gather together, except that it is necessary that we do. I know what drives us to gather at meetings; alcohol. It’s what we all have in common. Like the Traditions tell me. We have a common purpose; to stay sober, help others to stay sober, and to reach out to the still suffering alcoholic.
Anyway I was thinking after our conversation that I hope that I’m not holding on to any delusions about myself, because I really want to stay sober.