How important is it that it’s all about me? Me! That was a conversation two of us had this morning on the way to a meeting. And guess what the meeting was about? It was about me, but also the “We”.
Our talk began with something my friend was suffering from. The pain of being “me”. We talked about that. The human condition in an alcoholic. What we alcoholics all suffer from. Yes, there is the spiritual way of life, but that will always be imperfect. That’s because I’m me. My character defects, which start with me, will continue to pop up.
My biggest problem, as I see it, is that I’m going to be on my mind most of the time. One of the things that return to sanity, the spiritual awakening, did not remove. Yes, it did take care of my drinking, freeing me of the bondage alcohol held me in for so many years, but the me of me is still there.
We talked about the need to stay with the “We” of that First Step. I thought about that and, when I spoke, like so many, that after the surrender in the First Step, I had to move on to the Second as soon as possible. If my surrender was going to last, I was going to have to obtain someone, who could take care of the rest of what was wrong with me. Not just the physical illness I suffered from, but the mental, the emotional, and, of course, the spiritual. I desperately needed a Higher Power in my life.
Part of the human condition we all suffer from is our feelings. Our emotions. These can hold me captive and present a perilous condition for someone like me. The first thing I had to learn from my sponsor and others was that my feelings are not me. I had to learn to think with my head and not my heart. I had to stop identifying with how I felt. To learn to let go of my feelings and turn them over to my Higher Power, who could heal me.
None of this was easy for me. It took a long, long time in this program to begin to recognize what this was all about and then begin to start to do something about it. I had to learn how to sidestep my feelings or emotions, as my sponsor and those old timers told me to do. However I did recognize that time takes time. But the wonderful thing about all of this is that it did begin to work.
Why all this effort and work? Because I never ever want to drink again. I love my sobriety. It has changed everything in my life. In fact it saved my life. It gave me life itself. It gave me freedom. I never want to forget what I have.
But I realize, if I want to keep my sobriety, I cannot do it by myself. I need the We of this program. The rest of the alcoholics in this program. That’s exactly why I go to meetings. To be in the presence of alcoholics like myself, who carry the message that this program works, if I will work it. That my primary purpose is to stay sober and to practice these principles in all of my affairs and help another alcoholic. The Eleventh and Twelfth Steps. My expression of my gratitude for all that’s been given to me. And it all began with those first two Steps, when I surrendered and accepted this program.