Today I had to stop and think about what it was like for me to be undergoing changes in my life. That took be back a long ways and I was definitely startled to look at what I went through.
I came into this program already released from the bondage to alcohol. My thoughts were probably definitely focused on never drinking ever again. But they stopped there. I was not thinking about working this program. I probably believed I knew what this was all about. And that’s when the first graphic change came into me.
I was talking at a meeting and an old timer yelled at me. “Shut up!”
It startled me and made me angry. He then told me that I knew how to drink, but that I didn’t know how to stay sober. He then went on to say that I needed to take the plugs out of my ears and put them in my mouth and begin to listen. My angry reaction suddenly stopped. All of a sudden I remember this quiet thought came in and told me this was good for me. I don’t know where that came from, but there it was.
I think by that time my first sponsor of ten years in the program, had gone back out drinking and then died. Along came my second sponsor from down the street from me, who introduced me to the not reading the BB, but studying it. And that began with the Fourth Chapter, We Agnostics. The Second Step. From then on, I found myself starting to be willing to change. The spiritual way of life and the rest of the Steps and the Program in general.
I underwent a lot of changes over time. A long time I found out. Not much happened overnight. I had to go through a different way of thinking. I also had to learn to listen and begin to not only change my thinking, but the way I did things. Had to get out of my own way. I had to learn I was not in charge. Control was gone. Hope, faith and dependency on my Higher Power came into being.
Today I was reminded of my first amend. I remember I was fairly new and at work. I was given and assignment to go to Baltimore on a company presentation. I was in the store room downstairs by my self, I thought. I looked at all the stuff I had to take with me and I complained out loud. “No one is here when you need them!” And that’s when I heard a secretary behind me speak up. “Now you know how it feels!”
That blew me away. I mean here she was and she had had to put up with me and my drinking and being absent often. I remember I stopped and had to apologize. Like I said, my first amend.
Anyway I had to go back and think about all of this. Lots of stuff. But it is so important that I became willing to go through what I had to, in order to stay sober a day at a time. To change my thinking, so I would stop projecting into the future and stay in the day. And not to go back and bring the past into my thinking. Just for now.
Stopping and praying and taking time to think and meditate is so important for an alcoholic like myself. I hear this from so many in here, who help to remind me of what it is I need to do. Hardly perfect, that’s for sure. Makes me grateful.