I was urged by a friend of mine, a good and loyal friend, to think about the word “persistence”. That bulldog attitude of hanging in there and never giving up. But, that also reminded me of the other two “p’s”; “patience” and “perserverance”. Two other qualities, which we all need at times, to see us through rough patches we all go through.
All three words have a commonality, but with subtle differences. They all mean to hang in and don’t give up. To persist means to be resolute and continue against all odds. Perseverence pushes us past all discouragement. Patience is the result of the other two. To go past and forbear pain and suffering without complaint. They all have the meaning of being steadfast.
When I first came in, despite my “knowing everything”, I knew nothing of these particular qualities. Yet, I was going to need them, if I was going to get sober. The first clue I got was what the old timers were saying about me. They were actually taking bets on how long I would last. That was a challenge I couldn’t ignore. “I’ll show them” turned me into a pitbull. “You won’t last thirty days” was one of the statements made to me. So, I became willing to persist, even when I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. I was determined to stay sober against the odds.
That state of being changed over to perseverance, when I began to hear the words “keep coming back”. And, I did. This, despite the fact that after a while it became an irritant to hear these words over and over again. It was like a pebble in my shoe. It rubbed me the wrong way. But, it started me on the road to patience. I had no clue it was doing that. I just gritted my teeth and without complaint it was full steam ahead. Sometimes it felt like I was walking through mud, ankle deep.
Of course, all of this was possible as the result of my bottom. I just couldn’t drink again. I didn’t want to drink and go back to that hell that was waiting for me out those doors. I was going to have to do something, while I struggled to understand and achieve the solution, which these old timers had offered me. The temptation to resentment and self pity came at me like nothing before. I didn’t have alcohol to comfort me and kill the pain.
After a while, I can’t tell you when, I began to hear the opposite from some. I can just recall, when someone came up to me and told me that they resented me, because this program came so easily to me. I know that when this happened my first reaction was to argue and get into it with them. I know I went to my sponsor and complained (whined is a better word). He told me to laugh it off and ignore them. Imagine someone saying that.
But I struggled to get past the resentment and kept on going.
I guess the reason I’m writing and thinking about this is to explain the importance of persisting, persevering, and having patience. Without them, I’d be gone a long time ago. No one has an easy time of beginning this program.
There’s nothing heroic about what we all do. For the first time in our lives, we’re trying to do the right thing. The right thing starts with not picking up that first drink. But it requires the aquisition of these three qualities or we won’t last.
From time to time I have to go back and pick up one or the other. Really all of them. We all get discouraged at times. No one works this program perfectly. Sometimes I have felt like a child, who complains they’re bored, there’s nothing to do. My sponsor would tell me that if I was bored it was because I wasn’t doing anything. I wasn’t into action in this spiritual program of action. He was right. But I had to persist. I had to persevere. I had to be patient until the moment and the feelings passed.
There are other things, which will press in on us and demand our attention and tempt us away from our primary purpose. We all go through these things. It’s these qualities which will carry us through, if we become willing.
Probably the hardest of these rough patches are those moments, when we feel the absence of our Higher Power. Despite our best efforts, a curtain seems to have fallen between us. We seem to have lost contact and it feels like the God of our understanding has gone to the other side of the universe, leaving us cold and alone. In these times, and Bill talks about them, when we can’t pray, we need all three to carry us through. In time we learn that it is just part of our spiritual journey. We persist, we persevere, and we practice patience.
Like I said, just thinking