I’m going to start this, thinking to myself, that it might just end up a meditation.
I was at a meeting today, which was on the Third step. It reminded me so much of my struggles with this step, back when I came in. I remember vaguely of when I first read the step. How much fear it threw me into. First, because I was wondering about my faith in God. I wasn’t sure what to think about God. After all, I had lost my faith so long ago and avoided thinking about it by drinking. For twenty years or so I drank, trying not to think about God, even though I would find myself talking about Him on and off all those years. Then I come into this program and what are they talking about? God.
I’ve said this before, but when I came here, I didn’t come here to meet up with God or to pursue a spiritual life. I came here to get sober. That’s all I wanted. I wanted to quit the craziness and to stop the way I was living. This business of God scared me. I thought that if there was a God, He had to be angry with me for the way I lived and what I had done. And here I was being asked to commit my life to Him. So, I complicated the hell out of the Third step.
Then, I thought back to the last night I had drank. (Bear with me. There is a point to all of this.) On that last night I was driven to pray. I asked God to stop me from drinking and stop me from living the life I was living and that I would do anything He wanted me to do. I fell asleep with that and woke up the next day and the desire to drink, the mental obsession with drink was gone. It’s been that way ever since. And I thought, if God could do that, what else could He do?
Slowly I began to develop a faith in God. God could do anything, if I asked Him. But, there was the hitch. Bill W. tells us that we are not to pray for ourselves, but only how we can be of maximum service to Him. For a long time that confused me. You see, I had all these problems and if I couldn’t pray for myself, how was God going to help me with these problems?
Well, you can see, from the fact that I’m still here, after all these years, that something must have happened, because a lot of these problems have indeed been solved. Problems with finance, problems with relationships, problems of all kinds. For instance, problems with health.
What happened? If I couldn’t ask for myself for help, what could I do? I mean all these things were pretty overwhelming. I was in all kinds of turmoil, mentally, physically, emotionally, and finally spiritually. This is where my sponsor came in. He first pointed out to me that drinking wasn’t going to answer any of these questions. In fact it was only going to make things worse and it could end up driving me insane and finally kill me. I knew he was right, because I had just come from the worst kind of insanity and almost killed myself.
He pointed to the Big Book and told me the answers to all my problems was in there. I didn’t understand, but I was willing to try anything which could help me. I read and studied that book, as he told me to do. I even became willing to work the steps, even though I didn’t really believe they could help me with all this stuff I had.
In fact, there was no real mention of all the stuff troubling me.
I finally did all the things he told me to do. It didn’t happen overnight, although there was some real improvement along the way. In fact, looking back, I can see that I was continuously getting relief. I concentrated on getting sober. It became my main goal in life. Then, there came the day, when I saw the answer in the Big Book. I first saw it in Fred’s story in the Third chapter. The line, where Fred says that the application of spiritual principles to our problems could solve all our problems. It says that a number of times in the Book. What did that mean?
How do we do that?
When I looked back again, I could see that the promises in step Nine had come true and were active in my life. I could also see that the promise of return to sanity in the Tenth step had come true. I had found the solution. If I were to put these steps into action in my life, my whole life would change. And it has.
None of this was easy. In fact, at times it was downright painful. And then I learned that pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. Notice, it says “all”. Also, I want to emphasize that none of this was easy. It required sacrifice on my part. I had to surrender and accept a whole lot of things that once I would never thought of letting go of.
The payoff has been I have become a reasonably happy man. I really know what peace of mind and serenity is. I experience a sense of joy most of the time. Things I would never, ever believed were possible. I know today that God is doing for me, what I can’t do for myself. And, I don’t want to drink. I don’t even think about a drink. In all the things, which have happened in my life, which some might call tragedies, my mind has never gone there. I’ve only thought about the help I have been given by others with gratitude. I have been able to accept help, which I never would have done before. I also have been asked for help and have been able to reach out and assist others.
What a change! And all because I did what my sponsor asked me to do. How can I help but be grateful to God and the people in the program?