When I think of feelings, I think of our character defects. Feelings and emotions are behind them all. Someone out there does something or says something and evokes a feeling or an emotion within us. Our first response, depending on the words or action, may bring one of these to the surface. What it all depends on is our state and our condition. If we’re in fit spiritual condition, we may be able to deflect it. If not, we may react in a way, which brings about consequences we regret.
Bill, in a letter, diagrams one of these. He tells about a situation he suffered from; depression. He said that when people let him down or circumstances fell through, it would trigger the beginning of depression in him. He blamed it on his faulty dependency on people and circumstances and he would go to the 6th and 7th steps for relief, asking for God to remove these faulty dependencies he had. Then he would seek someone he could work with.
We all have our faulty dependencies similar to what Bill describes. Generally, I think, in my case, they’re based on some expectations. It means I lack the honesty to be able to ferret out what’s wrong. Often these things evoke in me fear, pride, and anger. Bill talks about this in the 12&12, when he says we’ll settle for just enough perfection as will get us by. Meaning my laziness and not wanting any more perfection will get me in enough trouble, short of a drink. The problem is that I might have enough of these episodes, which very well might lead to a drink. Why not? After all, I’m still and alcoholic and subject to what every alcoholic is subject to.
Discipline is a word, which has a bad effect on an alcoholic. It conjures up images of punishment and a miserable way of life. In truth, that’s not what it means. It means to learn. From what? My failures and my mistakes. But more than that. It can mean to learn to live from my successes. And all I have to do is to discipline myself to use the tools presented to me by the program.
We have so many tools in our arsenal that they can take us to a peaceful and serene life. A life of happiness, rather than the despair I was so familiar with, when I came into this program. All that is required of me is to pick them up and use them on a daily basis. If I do, the chances of my going back are minimized and I can live a stable and secure life. The first being a dependency on a Higher Power and all the rest follow.
The other thought that comes to mind is the vacuum. Nature abhors a vacuum. Something must fill the gap and something always does. If I ask for help and ask God to remove something from me, I must be prepared to fill the absence of a negative with a positive. If I don’t, more and more negatives are going to return.
I was thinking about this this morning.