Sometimes, when I think about the things I am grateful for, one of my thougts is the benefits I have received over the years. And these are things I cannot count up in material things. It’s all about things which have been slowly and painfully shaved off of my character (sometimes chisled) and then positive things which have been added. I always think about our friend Sean’s prayer: “Thank you, God, for all the things you have given me, all the things you have taken from me, and all the things you have left me.”
One of those benefits is my thinking. When I came in, I could only think about guilt and shame for the life I had led out there in the bars and the streets. I was plagued by these thoughts and they haunted me well into my years in sobriety. They still pop up sometimes, but not at the rate they came at me in the beginning. The housecleaning steps and talking to others has diminished them over time. But focusing on what I was told, like trying to rid myself of the old ideas and prayer and meditation, have led me into a place where I have come to know the meaning of peace and serenity.
My thoughts today are more positive, because I know that at any moment, I can turn them to thinking of others and many times I have had the opportunity to talk and work with alcoholics, just like me. In fact, many of them are more like me than I am. By that I mean, they often reveal to me my true nature, and in a moment of clarity, I am able to get more honest with myself and face just who and what I am. They help me free myself of some of my character defects, if only I will look at them head on.
Probably one of the greatest benefits is the realization of just how much help I have received from the God of my understanding. I am more conciously aware of His presence in my life today than ever before. There is an awareness I never had before. It’s more than thought. It’s just there. It goes with me everywhere, even when I’m not thinking about it.
I have come to really enjoy my sobriety. The joy of living. The meetings, the people, the steps, the literature, the talk I hear and share in daily. And, even when I am apart from all of this, the words and ideas still ring in my my mind. I think about the program I have come to love.
I am thinking about all of this now.