I was reading an email someone sent to me, supposedly written by an 82 year old woman. The flavor of the letter was her realization that there were no more guarantees. She wanted to enjoy what life she had left. So, she would go to the market wearing her best bib and tucker and eat off the best china at every meal, instead of waiting for those special occassions. She stopped taking herself so seriously.
How often I can make my life so heavy. How often, like Atlas, I can carry the burdens of my life like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. The feeling that I have to do everything myself. This doesn’t mean that I’m thinking about shirking my responsibilities, but just how serious are my problems? But, I have to face it; they’re really a luxury. If I hadn’t got sober, I might never have had them.
My sponsor would often see me coming to him with a long face. Poor me. He’d ask me why I had such a sour look and I would would begin a recitation of a list of my troubles. He would smile and tell me not to take myself so seriously. He would tell me that I could and should take what I was doing seriously, but not myself. Believe it or not, it took me a long time to figure out what he was talking about.
One day, after a long time in this program, the light began to hit me. I was reading the twelfth step in the 12&12 and its first sentence said it all. The joy of living. Too often this sentence and its full meaning had slipped by me, because I was taking myself too seriously. I was failing to enjoy the time that sobriety had given me. I was too turned in on myself to see this. I had failed to heed the words an old man in this program had said one day. He said that AA did not add years to his life, but it added life to his years. Joy. He enjoyed his life in sobriety, regardless of the problems he faced.
I was cutting myself off from the solution. I began to look around and see what my sponsor and he and so many others were doing. I could see the smiles on their faces and wondered how they got there. How could they be so happy? I realized that they were doing what I wasn’t. I was so folded up inside of myself that I wasn’t doing what they were. They were reaching their hand out to those around them. They put aside their cares for a few moments and were making themselves available to others less fortunate than themselves. They were willing to help another fellow sufferer. They were practicing the principles they had learned in this program They were giving away what was so freely given to them and not expecting anything in return. They were literally getting out of themselves. And they did this daily.
I visited these men in their homes and saw the same thing. They were practicing these principles in all of their affairs. Wow. What a revelation to someone so serious. I knew I had to begin to imitate these men and women. They smiled when I showed up in the rooms. I began to return their smiles. At first it wasn’t easy. I had to begin to act as if.
Eventually I began to be able to laugh at myself. I couldn’t do that before. I was finally beginning to realize just how limited I was. I was beginning to work with others and see my faults so clearly in them. Any number of them got drunk again and I began to realize that not all my efforts could keep them sober. I began to stop straining and to take others as they came. This realization came as I began to see myself as just another drunk among others.
Then, one day, I was reading and listening to others discuss the fourth tradition. It was then I heard rule #62: “Don’t take yourself so damn seriously”. A good rule to remember when I’m all locked into me.
Just thinking about this today.
Moody friends. Drama queens. Your life? Nope! – their life, your story.