My sponsor told me, when I was a short time in sobriety, that I had to clean up my act. I still think I’m trying to do that. I am so good at rationalization that I really practice a form of denial called selective memory or forgetting. I know that I tried to do that early on. I tried not to remember that I had met a lot of people in my life, before I drank and while drinking. I could make myself forget that before I came I was a tornado, roaring through the lives of others. I upset and hurt a lot of people. But if you can forget them, you have no act to clean up.
A friend of mine told me a little story the other day. A minister was preaching about forgiving our enemies. He asked his congregation if anyone didn’t have enemies. When no one raised their hand, he was about to go on, when he noticed this one hand just barely above the heads in front of him. Curious he looked over their heads and saw a little old lady.
He asked her to stand up. “You have no enemies, ma’am?” “Nope,” she said. “How old are you?” “Ninety-six.” “And you have no enemies?” “Not anymore.” “You forgave all your enemies?” “Nope, I just outlived all those bitches.”
Of course, if you are full of yourself, you have no room for anyone else. I was full of myself. It took time to separate myself from me. Long enough to see that there were others in this world besides me. That was in my fourth step, when I found out how many resentments I had. And, when I did, I discovered something about myself, which amazed me. But it wasn’t until I was working on my eighth step that I realized I had been a thief all of my life. Not in monetary terms. No, I stole something more valuable from the people I knew. I stole their peace of mind. That was my first step toward forgiveness. One thing I wouldn’t be able to do, was what that old lady did. I wouldn’t have been able to live to ninety-six. I would have been dead from drinking long before that. Sooner or later, this conscience, which was growing within me would not have let me fail to take action.
Anyway, that story about the old lady started me thinking. There are a lot of others, who keep arriving at the threshold of myself, which cause me to take the action I had to take then. Forgiveness. Not an easy thing for someone as self centered as myself. But something I know I need to do, if I want to stay sober and at peace within me and with the God of my understanding.
Just thinking.