I was thinking about thinking today. For instance, is the glass half empty or half full? Is the day full of possibilities or is it dark and gloomy? Am I full of hope or despair? What do I think and why do I think the way I do?
When I came in, I was full of negative thoughts. After all, I had been thinking that way for years under the influence of alcohol. I’ve met hundreds and talked and listened to them over the years, who thought just the way I did.
No wonder Bill said that the idea that we’re like other men had to be smashed. It wasn’t just because they could drink safely, but we don’t think or react to life the way they do.
I’m not going to go into the psychology of why we think the way we do, but I do want to comment on something my sponsor and others told me. I was told, and my experience in sobriety seems to bear this out, that one of my problems was that I had allowed my feelings dictate what I thought. My sponsor once told me, when I said that I had a “gut feeling” about something, that I had better check it out with another person, because it just might be gas.
I know I have harped on this before, but I need to remind myself of who and what is really supposed to be in charge of my thinking. I am responsible. After all, it’s because of my thinking that I often act the way I do. I was told that if I wanted to stay sober, I would have to learn to think in a sober manner. And the way to think in a sober way, I would need to place the intellect over my emotions. The “i” over the “e”. I needed to learn not to let my feelings control my thinking, but to let my thinking control my feelings.
In other words, I was going to have to learn to reverse the process I was in the habit of thinking.
How was I to do that? First there was the process of applying the steps to my life. As a result of doing that and arriving at spiritual awakening, one of things which was a result was a change in attitude. A complete reversal of how I viewed life and the world. A brand new attitude toward alcohol. I no longer valued it or even thought about it.
But what about my feelings? Wasn’t I supposed to feel. Wasn’t I supposed to have emotions? Like love, sadness, and joy? Of course I was. But I did notice a change in how I felt and the emotions I had. Instead of sympathy, which is useless in dealing with another alcoholic and could even be dangerous, I learned to practice empathy. When a family member died, of course I was supposed to be sad. Sad at any important loss. My problem, I learned, was that I lacked “nuance” in my feelings and emotions. If someone snubbed me or failed to say hello, lets say, I would treat it the same way as I did if someone kidnapped my wife. I would have the same degree of anger and frustration.
How was I to learn to stay sober with that kind of “thinking”? The proverbial “broken shoelace” could get me into a barroom. I had to change. And, I pray, change has come. It came through the practice of the 12 Steps. It came with the help and direction of others. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have my moments and misstep, but it does mean that I have improved over time.
Anyway, I was thinking about sober thinking today.