Last night I spent an hour or two talking to a friend in the program. My friend was going through a number of stressful situations and, as a result, had reached a point of the combination of rage and despair. He was inches away from taking a drink. At least the thought.
I told him that early on I had gone down that same path. I could understand what was going on with him emotionally. But what came to mind was what I had to go through to get out from underneath this heavy burden. It was acceptance.
To me acceptance is an all encompassing word. First I had to accept the fact that I was powerless over alcohol. Then I had to accept that I could not get sober alone. I had to accept a higher power in my life to empower me to live this life sober. But the one thing which was the most difficult to accept was myself as I am. Accept me with all my faults and failings. Accept the fact, that in most instances, I am the source of my problems.
This kind of acceptance was revealed to me over a period of time and through what I discovered or uncovered in the process of working the steps in my life. It was easier for me to ignore or overlook what was wrong with me. There was an instant revulsion at looking at myself square on and seeing the truth of what was there. And the further I progressed in the steps, I began to change.
I also discovered that this phase of acceptance is a process, just like the other things I have had to accept in my sober life. But one of the things I have noticed is that, accepting myself as I am and not what I would like to project myself to be, is the sense of peace and serenity, which comes with it.
I didn’t like myself or what I had become as a result of drinking. But, at the same time, I was always looking for excuses for my actions and my thinking.
It was this that I had to accept.
The other side of this acceptance was that I had to begin to like and even love myself for what I am. This was really difficult. But I learned that you can’t give what you haven’t got. This has taken a lot of practice. And it is practice.
I’ve had to accept that what others see and accept, I have to accept. What God loves and accepts, so must I.
Anyway, I was thinking about this today after our converation last night. It’s about sobriety.