Isn’t it something how much fear plays into our alcoholism? When it comes to our lives being unmanageable, it plays such a big role. Look at the 4th Step in the BB. Go down the third column of Bill’s outline and see how many times fear comes up. If I’m honest, fear played a heck of a big role in mine.
Bill talks about self centered fear as being at the root of our character defects. It’s self centered fear, when I check my inventory, which sets off my anger. Something I’m trying to protect my pride, my ego, my “territory”. Something I’m afraid I won’t get or I’m afraid of losing.
I never realized just how much fear I had until I stopped drinking and came to this program. Not that I didn’t experience fear when I was drinking. I ran into a lot of situations where I had a perfect right to be fearful. Alcohol didn’t always numb me to fear. But, for the most part, it did. And when it was taken away, there I was, just drenched in fear.
Sobriety has removed most of the fear I have experienced. But not all. From time to time fear creeps back in. In fact Bill tells us that we will never be completely free from fear. Sometimes fear can be a good thing. It keeps us from being foolhardy in some situations. I say some, because I’ve had some foolhardy episodes in my early and middle years in being sober. Hardly sober thinking or acting.
I’ve been told that faith is the answer to fear, but there have been times when that faith was lacking in the face of my fears. Love is the cure, according to one of the most revered spiritual writers. Love of God and others. Maybe so, but I confess I have never reached that level as of yet. I’m still stumbling along on this path and probably will be until the end of this journey.
I know it’s often relieved, when I can find someone with whom to talk things out. The We of this program has carried me through some very difficult times in the past and I know it will, as long as I am willing to open myself to others. It seems this willingness is the answer to a whole lot of my problems.
Anyway, I was thinking about this today.