Bill tells us that it was our inability to form true partnerships with others, which was the cause of all our woes and our alcoholism. Frankly I thought the cause of my alcoholism was that I drank alcohol. But, I do know what he was talking about.
Somehow, even though I “got along” with those I drank with, I had an awful time with other people. In places where I worked, I was never considered a “team” player. I was told that often. I was to learn, after I came to the program, that I rarely made connections with others deep down within. My relationships were on the surface. One of those honest people, who wasn’t afraid of telling me the truth, once remarked how shallow I was. High praise indeed.
My faulty relationships brought chaos into my life, as well as the lives those around me. It was part of my unmanageability in the first step. And, it was true. It led to a lot of drinking on my part. These failed relations. I remember one speaker at a meeting, telling a story about his growing up in his family. He said his earliest memory was that of sitting with his family and looking around and wondering, “who are these people?”
The wonderful thing about this program is that, besides offering a solution to our drinking problem, it offers a solution to all kinds of problems, including our problems with relationships.
It showed me how I could stop the focus on me. That was the problem in relationships. I couldn’t stop thinking about me. I was selfish and self centered. I was always concerned with me and my ability to get a drink, to the exclusion of anyone else, including my wife and my children. I was not interested in anyone I worked with, unless they could provide me with a drink or the opportunity to drink.
As a result of working these steps and undergoing a change in my attitudes, having had a spiritual awakening, I was able to change my focus from me to those around me. I was able to form friendhips, which have lasted up through this day. I was to learn the value of ego deflation in depth. I learned how to shed and deal with those character defects, which placed unrealistic demands on others. Those defects in which I believed I could control my relationships. I became able to stop loving the few, being indifferent to the many, and hating the rest.
I was thinking about this the past few days, because it means so much. What does it mean? It means sobriety. Sober living. Sober thinking and sober actions. How grateful I am for all the lessons others have been able to teach me. They and the grace of my higher power. Because underlying all of this is the spiritual life. The answer has always been spiritual in nature.