When Bill W. wrote about the will, he talked about free will, God’s will, and learning to conform to God’s will. He also talked about self will and the problems we get, when we go there. But it was God’s will, which gave me so much trouble.
I was talking to an old friend of mine today about God’s will and the problems we had with that, when we both came into the program. He said his problem with it was his arrogance. Mine was just the opposite. It was shame and fear. Fear that I couldn’t be forgiven and that God didn’t want anything to do with me.
We both suffered from what Bill called the spiritual malady. That spiritual bankruptcy, which plagued most of us, coming through the doors. That lack of faith or belief in a higher power. The lack of dependency on a power greater than ourselves. I found no solution for this until I did what my sponsor told me to do. That was to read the 4th chapter in the BB.
If I had any arrogance it was in the field of theology. I thought I didn’t have to read that chapter, because I thought I knew all about agnosticism. But the opening of that chapter blew me away. I discovered that I was going to have to find a way to live a spiritual life or die an alcoholic death. There were no other options. Then I was to read just how useless my will had been, when it came to alcohol. Confronted with the drink, my will failed to overcome the compulsion and craving within me. I was indeed powerless.
That’s when I found that I needed something bigger and greater than myself to depend upon, rather than my own will. If I was ever going to be relieved of that insanity within me, which would take me back to alcohol, I was going to have to place my faith in this power. I made up my mind to follow, whatever it was my sponsor directed me to do, no matter how distasteful it might seem to me. Like, Bill was to say later on, it was to be the proper use of my will.
How easy it is for both of us today to look back and laugh at ourselves for what I now know is just plain craziness. How clear it is that we both were spiritually sick. Both of us had some concept of a God, but both concepts were so twisted in our minds. The danger then was that if we did nothing to untwist those ideas, we were doomed to drink and most likely die a horrible death. Fortunately for both of us was that we were able to grab onto a couple of old timers, who helped us to change everything about ourselves. Accepting and applying those 12 Steps, completely revolutionized our lives. We both came to believe in a God of our understanding.
What struck me about all of this was our conversation. What a gift. Where else and with whom else could I ever have a talk like the one we had today? Only alcoholics like ourselves have the freedom to sit and discuss things like living a spiritual life. Freedom from the bondage of alcohol and restoration to sanity. Only someone like another sober alcoholic could understand what that all means. And only the program of AA provides me with the opportunity to do this on a regular basis.
This week we will celebrate Thanksgiving, our Nations annual remembrance to be grateful for all we have. But it’s not that way for the alcoholic in this program. Everyday I awake sober is another day of thanksgiving. Everyday I have to grateful for all that has been given to me by this program and the God of my understanding. I was reminded of that today, when my friend and I sat down and shared the gift of being free to talk about what is so valuable to each of us. And to think we can do this anytime we want. To both of us, as we agreed, this is part of God’s will for us. Recognizing we were talking about just that.