As the talk went around the room today, it was mostly focused on the Third Step. I sat there, listening to everyone who spoke. There was an occasional split from all the “God” talk, but it was a minority. When it came to my turn, I passed. The reason was that I personally wanted to reflect more on this Step.
After the meeting I sat and talked to a couple of men, each individually. The first was an old friend, who wanted to talk about the change that comes through the spirituality of this program. We talked about the evidence we have seen in ourselves and others, mentally, physically, and spiritually. The other was somewhat different and caused me to dig more deeply into this Step.
I went back and read the first few pages of the 12&12 on the Third Step. Bill was right about the difficulties a lot of us had, when it came to this Step. Reminded me of the part in the BB, where it said “at some of these we balked”. I went back and thought of my own experience with this. I know how much time I wasted trying to analyze and intellectualize this Step. It was a lot.
There was a lot of fear driving me, when it came to make the decision talked about in this Step. Possibly a little anger that this was what I had to do in order to continue with the Steps and my sobriety. A higher power was one thing, “God” of “my” understanding was something else. First I had no understanding at all about God. On the other hand there was a lot of arrogance on my part, assuming that my education in theology and philosophy equipped me to have any kind of understanding of what was being asked of me. All it did was blind and deafen me to what others were trying to tell me. And all they were trying to tell me was that it really was simple and here I was complicating it. Talk about being an alcoholic and insane.
What solved it for me was so simple. It was something a woman had asked her sponsor. “What’s God’s will for me?” To which her sponsor replied, “The other nine Steps.” Why did that work? Because it knocked all the intellectualizing out of my overheated brain. It was like Bill said, I had picked up the key of willingness without knowing it. The closed door opened and somehow I stepped through it and went on to the next Step and all the others.
The question of God still would pop up. It was more the God of my misunderstanding, but the concept and faith in a higher power was still there. From time to time I would and still do take my will back. But always, because I want to stay sober, I would find myself becoming willing to surrender and do God’s will and not mine. God is still evolving and growing in my mind and my understanding.
I just stepped outside into the cold and the snow and took time to reflect on my thinking and came to a moment of allowing everything within to settle down. I do have a belief in a God, even though it is a mystery to me. But what I believe is a comfort to me. And once again I am willing to turn my will and my life over to the care of the God of my understanding.
It’s still about sobriety and this program, which has made it all possible.