It will kill us? What will? My selfish thinking and emotions. That’s what the BB tells me. And I believe it. How will it kill me? By my drinking again.
There is a story from the ancient Greeks about a young man named Narcissus. Narcissus was a beautiful young man. So attractive that he drew everyone to him. But, of course, he knew this and the person most attacted to him was Narcissus himself. So, what killed him? He did. He saw a pond one day and leaned down to look at himself. So drawn to himself that he leaned over to kiss his image, fell in and drowned.
That’s me. Self centered and selfish. So much so that I always felt the world was unfair to me. Treated me badly, when I didn’t deserve it. Just a wrong look could set me off in anger. I came into this program with a boatload of resentments.
I remember reading the book The Genessee Diary. In it the author told about how he got angry that someone had snubbed him in the hallway. He went to the resident psychiatrist and told him how he felt. The doctor told him that his problem was that he had no nuances in his anger. He said that the man would have the same degree of anger he had toward the snub, as he would have if someone had stolen a million dollars from him.
That’s what the BB was trying to say about the alcoholic. And the only solution for those of us like this is God, as we understand God. Our higher power. And all of this change, the ego deflation in depth that we need, is going to come, as a result of the spiritual awakening we have by working our way through the 12 Steps.
Not easy giving up of myself in favor of doing God’s will for me. Turning my will and life over to the care of God. Forgetting about myself and working with another alcoholic. Making amends to those I have harmed. Who me? Practicing love and tolerance toward others.
All this for what? So that I can remain sober. That’s what. So that I can avoid doing what Narcissus did. Killing myself with my self centered thinking and my selfish way of life. By practicing these principles in my life so that I can maintain my spiritual condition, which is the foundation of my sobriety.
It’s amazing to such and egotist, as I have been, to have so fallen in love with this way of life. I love being sober. I realize that this program and this way of life has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I pray that I may continue on this path and hope that, as time goes on, that I may be able to diminish my ego to such a point that only God and the program and the people around me may occupy my thoughts and my actions.