I’ve been off. Under the weather. But I have never stopped thinking about my sobriety.
I learned a long time ago that my primary purpose is everything. It’s easy to forget this. The difficult thing is to keep my eye on the prize.
Oh, I know what others sometimes think. That this program came easy to me. Not true, but it’s easy for others to think this. I have a friend of mine, whom one person once said that the program came easy for him. He got so angry he had to walk away from this person. He told me later just how much it offended him. Easy is not a word that’s often related to working this program.
In order to do this program it has to change us profoundly. Acquiring the necessary honesty, the minimum of humility, changing our attitudes, finding hope and faith, trusting others, becoming open to sharing, being willing to do the housecleaning, making amends, repairing the damage we spread among family, friends, and the rest of society, and then praying and meditating. A complete change for all of us. A revolution. And then toss in the words surrender and acceptance.
But, if I truly want to get sober and stay sober this is the way for me to go. I had good direction, but it didn’t mean that I was always willing and had a desire to follow the directions given to me. Like so many of us, I balked, I groaned, I cursed, I complained, I whined, and I did everything I could to sabotage and delay the path ahead of me.
However there was one thing I could not get rid of. It was the example of those, who not only had worked this program, but were living it. I could see the results, the evidence of good sobriety all around me. And, despite my desire to rebel, I found myself begrudgingly slowly moving forward.
I’m not sure I’m typical of everyone, but that pretty much describes the process for me.
There was also one other element in all of this. Prayer. Asking for the help and getting it. Without that help, I wouldn’t be here. It’s a waste of time to go through all the details, but know that I believe my higher power has done most of what I have today. Not much materially, but something else.
So, yes I always try to remember why I’m here. I know it requires a willingness we don’t often see in the world, but in the program that’s a requirement for all of us. We may not be willing, but a prayer for the willingness to be willing will get us there.
Now back to feeling punk. But still thinking sobriety.