It is what it is. What’s that? Spirituality.
I’ve read a lot of writings on spirituality and they’re great and I suppose helpful to me. But I still don’t know what it is. I believe in the spiritual life we’re supposed to be living, but I’m still ignorant. Am I spiritual? I mean we need to maintain a spiritual life in order to stay sober. Is that what I’m doing? Not if I sit down and think about it. But here I am still sober.
So, what’s going on? Here’s what I believe. That my Higher Power, the God of my understanding, is doing for me what I can’t do for myself. I really don’t know. I must be doing something right. Or He is doing for me what I can’t feel or know.
Do I trust that? Do I have to? And then I back off and look at what has happened to me over time. I’m still here and hoping, believing, trying. Probably not to the best of my ability. Like I’ve always said, still stumbling, bumbling, and fumbling. But persevering and hoping. Never quitting. Just as my sponsor told me to do.
I was talking to a number of people after the meeting today, which brought up the subject of the maintenance of our spiritual condition. To a number of them, as I did in the meeting, I had to say that time takes time. It has not been an overnight or an instant thing with me. I’ve had my ups and downs over time. Yet, in the final analysis, things even out. What used to be a roller coaster ride is much smoother…over time. Patience is a virtue and a necessity for someone like me. Time has taught me that.
I try to pray and meditate. Not always good at either one. A mind which is always prone to wandering from one subject to the other, while attempting to pay attention to what I’m doing. Had the example today at the closing prayer at the meeting. Started to say the Lord’s Prayer and a newspaper lying on the table had a picture of the basketball game last night. I caught myself when the word “Amen” came. Where was I? Not on the rest of the words in the prayer. My hope is that those standing and praying with me did for me what I couldn’t do for myself.
But I will keep on trying. Like my sponsor said, keep on keeping on.
I’m not complaining. It is what it is. When I think about it, sobriety has given me a lot. Peace, contentment, periods of serenity and happiness. All the promises. Spiritual awakenings and even spiritual experiences. Or so I think. I’ve been restored to sanity, as far as alcohol is concerned. I’ve been given friendships I never had before. I don’t think I’m the man, who came into these rooms.
But there has been the other side of the picture. I’ve gone through some difficulties. Anger, frustrations, anxieties, worries, resentments, and the list goes on. I’m still human and have all my character defects. Maybe not to the degree they were when I walked through the doors.
I really believe that I have a genetic disease called alcoholism. It drove me to the point of insanity and almost death. Yet, when I finally asked God for help, I got it and got sober. I know the prayers others said for me were answered. The evidence of sobriety proves that.
So what am I saying in this form of meditation for me? Just what my sponsor told me, when I came in. That I don’t know that I don’t know. I only think I know, especially, when it comes to the spiritual life. And here come those words again from the BB. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. And I guess that’s exactly what I have been doing.
And, oh, one more thing. My sponsor and others told me that I was not to take myself too seriously. Take what I’m doing seriously, but not myself. And that makes me laugh at myself. I try to do that often and help others to laugh at me and themselves in the process.