One of the hardest things for me to do is when I’m faced with making a decision, which might or might not be what’s good for me. Or, for that matter, anyone else. I’ve got one of those on my mind.
It’s one of those puzzles for me that might or might not be covered in the Serenity Prayer. The things I cannot change, to accept that, or the things I can and the courage to do that. And worse, the wisdom. Sheer honesty.
Getting input from others, by sharing with them, has been helpful to some extent. The decision is still mine. And prayer and meditation are there, but the meditation is clouded with my questioning thoughts, as are the prayers.
And just as bad are the anxieties this provokes in my head. Back and forth thoughts. Up and down. Fear of making the wrong decision. And the ego. Self centered thoughts.
When it comes to ego, I have to ask myself, who am I? I’m nothing special. What I am is a chronic alcoholic, who has been given the gift of sobriety. Just another alcoholic. No different than any other alcoholic, who shares sobriety with me and others. My story is no different than anyone else.
Part of my problem I know is my lack of humility. Being able to get out of my own way and seeking and doing the will of my Higher Power. The question of what the God of my understanding would have me do?
Anyway I was thinking about this today at the meeting, where a person wanted to talk about their early sobriety. The 1st Step. Wanting to hear about the experiences of the sober members in the room. Made me go back and put my own concerns aside. To reach back and share my experience, strength, and hope with the suffering alcoholic. To remember how it was for me, when I came in.
A real blessing. Moments of relief from myself. A reminder of what my real purpose is for being here. My primary purpose. It out weighs anything else in my life and it put everything back into perspective. I’m not compelled to do anything today. Then I remember that time takes time.
Finally the thought comes that, when in doubt, don’t. To pause and step back and not only rethink everything and to continue to share and talk with others. And to listen to them. Not to rush into anything. Hope is still there, as is my faith in my Higher Power.