One of the hardest lessons I had to learn in here was when to keep my mouth shut and step back and be quiet. Not an easy thing for someone like me to learn. I had not come in here a grown up. I might have been in my 40s at the time, but I thought of myself like a dumb teenager.
Learning to stop and remain silent for a period of time in which to practice this program in the Steps was not easy for a self centered ego like mine. Not just self centered, but huge. Ego deflation in depth was what I needed, even though I didn’t know that.
I learned that from my old sponsor and those old timers back then. They knew exactly how and when to cut me down to size. I am so grateful that they had the time and the courage to do what I so desperately needed. Even though I never knew that…until later.
One of my problems was that I had no idea that I needed to stop and begin to learn to live a spiritual way of life. I didn’t know that until my sponsor got me to read and study the fourth chapter in the BB, We Agnostics, where it told me that I had to learn how to live a spiritual way of life or die an alcoholic death. I had almost died an alcoholic death by suicide to stop me from drinking alcohol. That was enough.
So, I surrendered to this program and began to have faith in a Power greater than myself. I acquired a Higher Power and began with hope in it. And as my hopes began to be fulfilled, especially my sobriety, I began to acquire faith, and eventually love. And time took time. None of this was an overnight affair. Took patience and learning to listen on my part.
I even had to go back and remember what I had forgotten about this spiritual way of life. I had failed to remember that on my last day drinking I had gained hope for the first time in years and had finally said a deep prayer, asking the God of my understanding to stop me from drinking alcohol and to stop me from living the life I had been living. The next day alcohol was gone. Somehow I came into this program and, though I attended meetings, I was turned off by all this talk about spirituality and didn’t remember the miracle I had been given in spite of myself.
With the help of so many, including my sponsor, I finally began to learn that I had to begin to grow up and live a different way of life. I had to learn to begin, with the help of my Higher Power, to control my emotions, which had been so damaging to me and so many others like myself. I had to learn how to have proper spaces between myself and others. Not to interfere with them nor allow them to do the same to me. I had to learn how to care for others, even though I might possibly not like them. In other words I had to change from the kind of person I dragged into these rooms.
Over time I have changed in spite of myself. I need to thank my Higher Power, my sponsor, and others for helping me to do this. I learned in here that I needed humility to believe that I cannot stay sober by myself. I definitely need all the help I can get and that’s why I continue to go to meetings. I need to listen and be reminded of what I need. And I need to acquire compassion for others and to freely carry the message which was so freely given to me. Not just to new people, but even those like myself. I had to learn to share and allow others to share with me.
Just another reminder to me that I’m here to stay sober a day at a time.