A long time ago I learned that I cannot stay sober by myself. I need the help of others like me. Sober alcoholics. I’ve seen what has happened to others, who have pulled back from meetings and gone off by themselves to stay sober. Men and women, who have become complacent. Satisfied with themselves and feeling they can do it by themselves. Not good. Often deadly.
I am so glad I had a sponsor, who knew exactly what I needed. He told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. Part of that was my education. And that’s when he told me I was educated beyond my intelligence. And there was a moment when he told me these things and they made sense to me. Certainly my thinking wasn’t helping me. And that was exactly what I needed to hear. He woke me up.
I had already surrendered to my being powerless over alcohol. And that led to my being freed from the hold alcohol had on me. So I had walked through these doors of the program, free from alcohol, but had no idea what this was all about. All I knew at the moment back then was I determined to never drink again, but no idea what I should be doing. All I knew is that the only person I wanted to listen to was myself. And when I was called on at a meeting I started to talk and an old timer yelled out to me to shut up, that I knew how to drink, but I had no idea how to stay sober and I needed to start to listen.
And it was about that time my old sponsor told me that I did indeed need to listen. And it was about then that he opened the door to this program for me. He introduced me to the Second Step. That took my breath away. I saw that if I didn’t begin to live a spiritual life I was probably going to go back out and drink again and die. My dilemma, as that Fourth Chapter in the BB pointed out was lack of power. I needed to find a Higher Power.
I did begin to believe in a Power greater than myself. I had already began to have hope. Now I was going to have to grow along lines in faith. And hope led me to begin to believe in what was going on in my life. I had already been freed of alcohol, now I was going to have to learn to be dependent on my Higher Power doing for me what I could not do for myself. However I was going to have to do what I could in here. And that’s where these Steps came in.
And, of course, that’s where working with others came into my life. I had to learn how to listen and depend on the guidance of others, based on their own personal experiences. And this is where I began to experience the gifts of this program being freely given to me. It was up to me to learn how to respond to their gifts. And to learn how to do what it was that I was supposed to be doing.
The hardest task of all I found was learning to have the patience it took to begin to grow along spiritual lines by what I was doing. For me it was often painful at first. I began to learn that I had to be patient. It was going to take time I learned. Nothing was going to happen overnight. In fact it was going to require me to keep coming back and listening to others over and over again. I was going to stumble and fall and had to learn how to pick myself up and keep on keeping on in here.
I lacked patience at first. I had to learn how to deal with my temper and surrender. That was not easy. And it was hard to learn how to go back and ask questions, when I found myself getting things wrong. And that happened over and over again. Even in reading the BB and the 12&12. I felt stupid at times. A lot of times.
I also had to learn to do what my sponsor suggested. And part of that was to keep journals. To sit down and write on a regular basis. Eventually that became a very important part of my program in here. I probably did that for a lot of years. In fact the truth is that in some way I continue to do that.
I also learned just how important these daily meetings are to someone like me. I found that they often open my heart and my mind. Often when I learned that I was weighed down internally, just attending meetings often opened me up to peace and my Higher Power.
Anyway I was thinking about how important it is for me to be active in this program. To go to meetings and get the help I need and often to offer help to others, who need it. To freely give as I was so freely given by those old timers in here. And, of course to stay sober a day at a time. And to practice these spiritual principles in all of my affairs. Just need to say thanks to all who have helped me. My Higher Power and my fellow alcoholics.