We were talking about defects today. I know I go back to these on a frequent basis. That’s because, despite trying to put these Steps into action, it was Six and Seven which kept tripping me up. Over time in here, with the help of my old sponsor and others, I came to know what was really going on.
I learned from those old timers and some experts that the fact that I was freed of the possession alcohol had over me, when I came in, that was the physical part of this disease. The mental and emotional, and eventually the spiritual, was the “human side” of me. And it was that, as the Fifth Chapter points out, which ruled my life. It told me that I was not a saint and that I was going to run into problems along the way.
Over time in here I began to change. I became more at peace with myself and grew in happiness and serenity. But along the way it became obvious that my wandering mind, despite how I might have started my day and dedicated it to growing along spiritual lines and sobriety, would take me off on “trips”. I would find myself tripping over myself and my faults and defects. And I had to learn how to deal with all of this.
As much as I might have wanted to continue to grow along spiritual lines, I had to learn how to deal with my weaknesses. My sponsor pointed out to me that I had to learn to pick myself up, when I stumbled, and brush myself off and keep on keeping on. Often I found I had to do what I learned from my sponsor and old timers. I had to stop my day and start it over again. That meant that I had to go from a negative attitude back to a positive attitude. To pray and ask for help to change.
For me that meant that I had to learn to practice over and over the last three Steps. Ten, Eleven, and Twelve. To get real and accept that I’m the one at fault. Like the spiritual axiom points out that when I’m disturbed there is something wrong with me. And I have to take care of that. Then pray and, if possible to meditate. Then, if possible to work with others. To freely give what was freely given to me.
And what does this mean to me? Well, as far as I can see from my growth in here, I have improved. These things today are not as bad as they once were. Nevertheless they will be with me until the end. I just have to try to stay on my toes, as best as I can. But to ask for help from my Higher Power.
Anyway I hope to keep on keeping on. To stay sober a day at a time. I never ever want to drink again. I believe if I keep doing what I’m doing I will be okay. Makes me grateful. Just thinking.