My sponsor used to tell me that I could do anything I wanted to, as long as I was willing to pay the consequences. St. Augustine didn’t say that. He said, first love God and then do what you will. I guess that meant, if you love God, you will do His will.
Paying the consequences is not all it’s cracked up to be. I know that the consequences I reaped, while out drinking, were pretty bad. But the consequences for my actions in this program, though maybe not as severe, are emotionally damaging and probably spiritually.
How did that come about in the program for me? The 2nd Step. Even though I never had a question about my insanity, when I came through the doors, I really didn’t have a clue.
I knew that I was crazy from my drinking. No question about that. Especially the fact that I kept on drinking, even when I knew I shouldn’t. But that was due to my being powerless not to drink. No, it was my other craziness. It wasn’t until I was sober years down the road, when I looked back at my thoughts and actions in this program, especially since some of them had such humiliating consequences, that I began to recognize just how insane I had been. It was only then that I came to really surrender to this program and began to be able to begin to make the necessary changes through the Steps.
Fortunately I had already begun to heed my sponsor’s warning, even though I was still blind to my defects in my character. That probably saved me from having to suffer worse consequences. And, as the fog in my brain began to lift, he told me something else. He said, do what’s appropriate.
That statement from him backed me off. Do what’s appropriate. He didn’t say stop what you’re doing. He didn’t have to. He left it up to me to do what was appropriate. I can almost remember the day and the moment, when he said that. That’s when the real change began. It was like I was suddenly brought into sanity. I could see what was appropriate and what wasn’t. I changed my mind and consequently my actions. That’s when I really began to live this sober life. That’s when I began to recognize that the consequences weren’t really worth it.
As I was thinking about this today, I recognized how faulty my thinking was back then. I was having consequences, but I wasn’t learning anything from them. But, from the moment he said, do what’s appropriate, I suddenly began that learning process. I’ve always wondered how he knew it was the right time to tell me that? Talk about a spiritual awakening.
Anyway, I was contemplating how all of this played into my staying sober. How fortunate I was to have the sponsor I did. He made the 2nd Step so real. He spoke to me and taught me how I was to live a sober life. By his words and his example. Through him I was often able to see my higher power in action. In reality. Though he’s passed on, I still have him in my memory with all I learned from him. But today, as we talked about consequences, I was reminded of his role in my life. How grateful I am to the God of my understanding for his presence, both then and now.
Oh, yeah. There was one consequece for which I’m ever grateful. That was my bottom. It was painful, but it opened the doors to freedom from alcohol.