The old AA joke, as I remember it: Denial is not a river in Egypt. Haven’t heard that in a long time.
Denial held me in my active alcoholism for a long time, until I could no longer stand it. By the time I came into the program it was all over. I could no longer deny that I was powerless over alcohol.
But denial is often still there in my life. Not for the alcohol, but pretty much a lot of other things. I can deny that I’m angry, when I am boiling over inside. I can deny that I’m resentful, when I keep running people and things through my mind. I can deny I had anything to do with what made other people angry and blame them for something which only I am responsible.
There are all forms of denial in my life. The Nile River might not be very deep, but the river denial often is. Rigorous honesty. Hmm. I seem to have heard that someplace. Only that kind of honesty can plumb the depths, when I’m practicing fooling myself.
That’s when I need others to help me to clarity and honesty. I can rationalize and justify my whole life, if it weren’t for people in this program. Through them I get the direction I need and am forced to look in the mirror and ask myself some very honest questions. And then listen to the Steps I need to put into action.
Very often I really don’t know that I’m in denial. Usually someone talks to me about what they have discovered about themselves and the Steps they need to practice and lo and behold there I am totally revealed.
I think why I was meditating on this today is that I see denial as part of the chain of cunning, baffling, and powerful. It has nothing to do with being good so much, as it has a lot to do with staying sober. Over a long period of time I have been able to observe others, who have gone back out, as a result of their denial. That’s not being judgmental, but just talking about the obvious. And I don’t really want to go there.
Oooops! I just remembered. We have a Tenth Step to take care of this kind of stuff. Imagine that. How could I have possibly denied that?