Yesterday I heard a Trappist Monk talking about a conscious contact with God. When he was closing his talk, he said that the beginning of humility was to recognize that our lives are unmanageable. Then he said that in AA this is an essential. But he said that it wasn’t essential to go through the pain of alcoholism to find this out.
Years ago I remember a psychiatrist speaking about almost the same thing. He said that it is only when people get older and are in their late sixties or seventies, that they then begin to realize for the first time the truth about their lives. For the first time they have time to look back and reflect on things they never looked at before. Many have regrets that knowing what they know now, that they never made the changes to improve their lives. He then said, on average, that alcoholics in recovery in AA have to do this at a much earlier age and are able to make these changes.
I was thinking about these two things today. Being an alcoholic and having to surrender and accept that I was not only powerless over alcohol but how unmanageable my life was. And then having to look back on my life and find the truth about my life and to begin to make the changes necessary to stay sober.
Underlying both of these thoughts is what that monk said about the pain the alcoholic has to undergo, in order to realize how unmanageable his life is. For me that was hitting my bottom. I don’t know what would have happened to me without the pain. Pain woke me up. It was absolutely necessary. It was unavoidable if I was to survive and get sober. I look back at that pain with a great deal of gratitude. I never want to forget it.
Like Bill said, pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. Growing along spiritual lines was unavoidable, if I wanted to stay sober. Just think, I not only have been able to become aware of just how unmanageable a life I had at middle age, but I found out what was wrong with me and was able to make changes in my life, with the help of my higher power and those who came before me in this program. But all this was necessary. The only other choice for me was to die an alcoholic death.
I was thinking about all this and being grateful for the rescue AA offered me. Add to that I am so grateful that I was given the grace to be an alcoholic. Where would I be without my alcoholism?