I was thinking today about one of the worst defects of mine, which is taking inventories of others. Not able to mind my own business. I was struck by this today, when a friend of mine did the same thing. The minute I saw this, I couldn’t admit that I’m often guilty of the same thing.
How easy it is to do this. Someone in my family barks at me for something and almost immediately I’m taking their inventory. Someone says something to me during or after a meeting and I might find myself doing the same thing.
Of course what it does for me is to excuse myself of whatever it is I don’t want to admit. One of my character defects going way, way back. And though I have made a lot of changes in my life, I often find I still have old junk still inside of me. Instead of being honest and truthful, I can find myself lying to myself. Being totally dishonest in order to blame others for something so I can feel superior.
And all of this gets in my way of making the changes I need to help me to grow along spiritual lines. Or to make excuses for myself. Let myself off the hook, so to speak. Blame others.
Once again I am reminded of the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step in the 12&12: whenever I’m disturbed there is something wrong with me. I’m not to take another person’s inventory. Just mind my own business and do for myself what I have to. Not an easy thing to admit to and do.
Anyway it was a reminder to me that I need to practice spirituality in here and grow the way I need to. Just part of doing what I need to do in order to stay sober a day at a time. To do something which will be an act of gratitude to my Higher Power and this program. To do what I was told to do by my old sponsor and so many of those old timers. And yet I have to do what I’m doing now. Stepping back and making myself aware of my junk.
Just stopping in the day and hoping to be aware and change. No surprise. I’m still human and have my old junk coming back from time to time. Like the BB tells me, as have others, I’m certainly not a saint. Just an alcoholic. Human at best. Need to be grateful for all the gifts I have received.