In glancing over the twelfth step in the 12&12, I came across the reference to that ruinous coin. A reference to false pride on the one side and fear on the other. It was in that section which talked about what psychiatrists found that we all had in common. Like my sponsor was so fond of saying about us: “we were insecure, immature, and oversensitive”. At least he said that to me a lot. Hmm, wonder why?
I was thinking about why I was that way. In other words, why we were all that way. The answer was the fact of self centeredness. It was all about me. I thought about how this is counter to what I should be aiming for, if I want to stay sober: ego deflation in depth. How am I doing? Well, like a good friend of mine always says, now it’s almost all about me.
I was talking to that friend today and we both agreed that we had seen quite a few people, who have gone back out, as a result of those three traits. Insecure, immature, and oversensitive. Those traits aren’t to be taken too lightly. Or, as Bill counsels us in the BB, to practice eternal vigilance, which is the price of sobriety. Awareness in other words.
That’s all well and good, but I often find that I lack perfection and find myself slipping and sliding on this path we’re on. I might not get a resentment from a cross word or snub, but I sure might get irritated. Or maybe a lot irritated. Maybe slightly oversensitive. Then again, I might be highly ticked off, after spending some time in my head. Okay, I might have a slight resentment. Half an hour like that and I have a real resentment. Like an old timer used to say, I should never go into my head without adult accompaniment.
No wonder Bill talks about false pride. The fear that someone might just get the better of me.
The fear that I might be falling short and what would others think? That idea that I’ve got to do it all myself and I don’t need help, thank you. Grandiosity? Whatever happened to we can’t do this alone?
Not too sober thinking comes from this kind of fear. I know that going into my head, but I sometimes go there anyway. I just feel like it. Meetings and a phone call are the antidotes to this. Or maybe picking up the BB or the 12&12. The way to get off that slippery slope and back on the beam.
Anyway, I was glancing at the twelfth step today and it started me thinking about staying sober one more day.