Who and what am I? That’s something we have to find out, if we want to stay sober. Not easy. First I think we don’t want to, because we are sure we know what we should. And second is that we think we know better than those around us. Even when we say we don’t.
Besides, we believe we have the freedom to do whatever we want or need to do. And we’re not going to disclose this to others. We at least can pretend we are like everyone else.
When I first came around here, I felt picked on by everyone else. I finally found a man of ten years, who was different. He didn’t talk or think like others and that seemed to free me from what others were talking about and seemed to be thinking. He became my first sponsor, even though I had no way of knowing that. And we didn’t talk about the BB or Steps.
Back then AA was fairly small. Hospitals and doctors didn’t treat alcoholics then. There were no rehabs or detoxes either. That’s something I didn’t know back then. And all my sponsor did in this program was go out on Twelfth Step calls and drag me with him. He did not talk about the Steps or the BB. And for the brief time we had together our only relationship to this program were the meetings we went to.
Then one day he went back out drinking again. He stopped and then he died. Another man we knew, who was also sober for ten years, did the same thing. He went back out and drank and then he also died. And both men were being driven by the resentments they had. That was a wake up call for me.
My life then changed. A man up the street from me, he and his wife, who had close to twenty years in this program, came and took over my needs. My new sponsor was the one who woke me up. They were both convinced I had surrendered to the First Step, but had nothing else, because they knew my first sponsor only had two Steps. The First and the Twelfth. Nothing else.
So the first thing I was introduced to was the BB. I had to read and study the introductions and then the rest of the initial chapters. I did that and then was introduced to the Second Step. That really woke me up. I came to believe in the spiritual way of life I had been introduced to. That was because I learned I needed to have that way of life open to me, or I might end up drinking again. And that was an introduction to my Higher Power.
Over time in here I learned that I was not in charge, but just a real member of AA. I was working the Steps and beginning to change. I learned to begin to have an open mind and a willingness to listen and put these Steps into action in my life. To pray and ask for the help I definitely needed, and beginning to open my mind and think.
I had to learn to stop letting my negative emotions run my mind and my life. To grow in faith, hope, and love. To have an open mind, which I lacked. To grow in relationships, friendships, and compassion and love. And to also grow in gratitude to my Higher Power, and all those who were helping me to learn and grow.
I remember how I was shocked to learn that I had age, but I had stopped growing in maturity way back. I now had to learn to grow up and become an adult. And despite all the time I have in here, I’m still growing. And I have become so grateful for all I have been given in here. I’m still sober…a day at a time and no more. But willing to do what is needed for me and for others. And just be grateful for being willing and able to talk about this.