Doldrums. I remember back in school, when I first ran across that word “doldrums”. It was a place at sea that the old sailing ships would run across. There was no wind to fill their sails, the ocean was flat and calm, the heat was intense and unrelenting. The ship would have to sit there, not moving and praying and hoping for relief.
I haven’t heard that word used in a long time. But I know at one time it was applied to a state in our lives, when we would find ourselves stalled. Bored and down. Life at that moment was stale. Just like the ship stalled and helpless at sea.
I know that this has happened to me at times in my sobriety. And I know it can happen to anyone in this program, because I have talked to others, who have gone through the same thing. The question is, what can I do about it?
The obvious thing is that I am not a helpless ship at sea. But it feels that way. It seems that what worked before has stopped working. Helping hands seem to spout the same old stuff and it sound stale to the ears. There seems to be no relief for this state, except the words of a very profound spiritual director.
Wake up! He said that the essential element for the spiritual life was to be awake. Conscious, as in the 11th Step. Not unconscious. When I am in the “doldrums”, I am sleep walking. Unconscious. It’s like I’m caught in that place in the morning, when I am waking up, but not fully awake yet. I need to take charge and become fully conscious. I need to awake and be aware. Because in the unconscious state I may be in I am at hazard to take a drink.
I have known a few alcoholics, who have told me that they found themselves sitting in a bar with a half empty glass of alcohol in front of them. They had no memory of going into the bar and sitting there and ordering a drink. They told me that they only became aware of it, when they saw the glass and wondered who had drank it. One man had told me he had just left a meeting, when this occurred. Like the others, who had told the same story, I couldn’t fathom what had happened. But I know it did.
My sponsor told me that, when we reach a state like the “doldrums” it is because we’ve stopped working this program. He told me that the reason I was in that state of mind was because I wasn’t doing anything to recover. I was sitting on the Steps, rather than walking up them. Like the BB tells us, eternal vigilance is the price of sobriety. And, in order to be vigilant, I have to be awake.
There is an old story about the man, who, on discovering a tower in a forest, entered the tower. Out of curiosity he began to climb the steps. Halfway up he looked back and discovered that the steps behind him had disappeared. They were gone. He had only had two choices. Either continue to climb or fall back into the darkness below.
Anyway, I was reminded of the word “doldrums” and couldn’t help but think about it. It was a reminder to me to stay awake.