cA woman, who has been in the program for at least twenty years, brought up a subject today. What was on her mind (or in her craw, as one person described it) was people quoting from the BB. Her main objection it seems was that she thought people quoting from the BB were trying to force their brand of AA down peoples throats. She felt that the program should be more open than that. She thought that a diversity of thinking was what was needed rather than the narrow view as people proposed it from what the BB said, or at least as quoted. She felt that people who referred back to the BB were on an ego trip and intellectualizing the program. That’s what I took from her long introduction.
My first reaction to all this was that she was possibly referring to moi, since she attends a lot of meetings, where I am usually going back to the BB. This started people off on a lot of controversial res! ponses, mostly agreeing with her point of view.
As it was going around the room, I reflected on what she had said and why I do what I do. My first reaction was “don’t tell me what to do! I don’t want to here it! I know what to do!” Then I thought that maybe she was really trying to say something else. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. That may seem patronizing in a way, but her presentation was a bit patronizing, since she seemed to be saying that she was justified in critisizing others in the way they talked. It disturbed her. Maybe this was all about the spiritual axiom in the 10th step and not what others were saying. But, I decided not to go there.
I know that when I first came in, I was sure I knew what I was talking about and that others, even the old timers did not. I never asked questions. I assumed that I knew. For instance, when! they mentioned the BB, I knew that they were talking about the Bible. When they mentioned the steps, I had this crazy notion they were actually talking about the steps leading down to the room we were sitting in. Insane? Yes. But that’s what this kind of thinking leads to, when I didn’t want to ask, for fear that someone would tell me something. I didn’t want to hear it.
I remember, when I was in so much distress and suffering from all the problems in my life, let alone not drinking, I would think that people didn’t know how much uncomfotability I was going through. They were talking about the solution, which came from working the steps. They would talk about information coming to them from the BB, the directions given to working the steps, and they were talking about each specific step, how they worked them and the solutions to their problems. Eventually, some of what they were saying started! to invade my consciousness. In desperation I decided maybe I should think about trying to do what they had suggested. But I was not going to let them know they might be right. I didn’t want anyone to know and thought that maybe I could demonstrate that I had figured the solution to my problems out on my own. I wasn’t going to have anyone tell me what to do or how to do it.
Finally, I would apply the steps to my problem and the clouds would begin to lift. I remember going to a meeting and sitting there and being called on, shortly after one of these episodes. I had no idea how wise and perceptive these old timers were. I started to tell them how I had solved my problems. One of them asked me how I did this. I had this feeling of being trapped. I think I put my hand over my mouth and mumbled that I had worked the steps to solve the situation and named the step I had taken. There were a number of p! eople who asked me to speak up and repeat what I had just said. I could feel my face burning and felt the humiliation of having to admit they were right and I was wrong.
They actually quizzed me in front of the whole group. Where had I found this information? How did I know what to do? What had I done? This was my introduction, or induction, into the program. This was the rough and tumble of the way it was done, at least to me, back when I came in. How grateful I am that the group did this. I desperately needed to have my ego deflated, my baloon burst, my insufferable pride crushed. It couldn’t have been done in any other way.
As time went on, I came to realize how much these men really loved, not just me, but all those who came under their care and direction. It was this group, who, after much reblellion on my part, helped me to surrender and acce! pt the solution and gave me directions to how this program worked. My sponsor, who asked me if I was ready and willing to follow directions. When I conceded I was, he said that when all else failed to follow directions. I asked what directions and where was I to find these directions, he pointed to the BB and said, “In there.” Where in the BB, I asked. “Read the BB,” was his reply.
So, if I quote the BB, it’s because that’s my experience. Ned
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