Bill was a prolific writer. He wrote thousands of words, most of them published in a book entitled “The Language of Love”. All of them pertained to some aspect of this program. Many of them have been published in the Grapevine and exerpts in booklets, like “As Bill Sees It”. If we love this program, as I do, after all it saved my life, then reading these essays helps me to see more deeply into what really was going on and to learn more about this program.
But it is more than informative. Bill wrote, from personal experience, about different aspects about us, from faith to love. For instance, he frequently refers back to his bouts of depression. Fear and honesty were written as about as openly as any one is able. He wrote about the problems we might face both individually and as a group.
One thing that I read early on was about his depression. I was very inte! rested in this because I could identify with all the things he had to say about this, since I had been having bouts with this myself for a long time. In fact one member used to call me “depression Ned” for a long time. One of things Bill said was when he talked about what triggered him back into his underlying problem with this. He said that it was his faulty dependency on people and circumstances. He said that when people let him down and circumstances failed, he would fall back into depression. His solution was to go to God and ask him to relieve him of his faulty dependencies and then to do the next right thing. Particularly, working with others.
It took me a while to get a handle on “faulty dependencies”. The truth was that I was in the middle of a forest of them and so couldn’t see the trees for the forest. Or maybe I just didn’t want to admit to them. Pride headed the list, as he once said. Maybe it was more like arrogance. All of this was nothing more than a fear, which was pervasive in my struggle to recover. I was afraid of what I might discover about myself.
It wasn’t knowledge of things that blocked me. It was something far deeper. When I was about five years in the program, I sank into a black pit, from which I thought I’d never recover. I finally ended up in the office of Sandy B’s sponsor. Bill T. was sharing with me some of his recent problems, when I disclosed to him what was going on with me. He gave me this look and then said, “I want you to meet someone.” He picked up the phone and asked for this person. A few minutes later a tall, grey haired woman entered the office. “I want to introduce you to Kathleen Sullivan. I think she can help you.”
What a fateful meeting. It changed my life. At our first me! eting alone she said those life changing words, “I’m going to help you sort out your psychology and I’m going to help you find God.”
It has taken about thirty years, but some progress has been made. A little. The sorting out and the finding still go on. From my reading of Bill;s works, the process of the steps, the directions of my sponsor Tom, the assistance of so many friends and acquaintences, and the help I received from Kathleen, I have been able to arrive at so many days at a time. I still have a lot to learn. For that I’m grateful. You, Jim, have been part of the help I have received along the way. Part of the learning.
Ned
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