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I can’t remember growing up, when the idea of giving anything was a good one. Getting something was. The idea or concept of generosity was absent from my insides. Selfishness was what filled me up. I remember back in school, when the story of Cain and Abel was told, how Cain gave ! his leftovers and Abel gave God the best of his crops and stock. I knew instantly that I was on the side of Cain. This was as a little boy. Abel, I grudgingly conceded, was doing the right thing, but I couldn’t picture me doing the same.
This self centeredness persisted and grew as my alcoholism progressed. Everything was about me. The main thrust of my life was to get as much as I could, so I could continue to drink. No half measures there.
When I came to the program, I was to learn something I had failed to grasp. How and what to give. I remember, early on, reading a booklet, written by a Swiss psychiatrist named Theroux, entitled “The Meaning of Gifts”. In it he said that very often gifts were given in order to get something. Whether it was just to get someone to say thank you or something more, like affection, he said that you would know by y! our reaction to the person receiving the gift. If the person’s response was less than you expected and you were dissapointed, then your gift was not presented in the spirit of giving. You wanted something.
Here in the program I learned that we are to give the gift, which we were so freely given. That was a new concept. For me anyway. At first it was easy. I was willing to tell everyone about what I had found here. But, no one was interested. Eventually, as I learned more about what was going on and began to apply the steps to my life, I began to see some evidence that some people were really interested in what we had to offer them. But, often, like little Jack Horner, I stuck in my thumb, pulled out a plum, and said what a good boy I am. Egocentric. Still filled with the spirit of selfishness.
Eventually, through tutoring by my sponsor and ot! hers, the message finally got through. It’s not about me. It’s about the sick and suffering alcoholic. It’s about saving a life. The book says, a lifetime of selfishness and self centeredness is not turned around overnight. It should have said “over years”.
Then complacency began to set in. Things began to become “routine”. My selfishness began to show up in terms of time. I began to feel that my time was too valuable. Even when I had nothing to do, I resented the feeling of being put upon. I would rather give money than spend time helping someone else. I was too tired. And all kinds of excuses began to permeate my life. I had forgotten how special this gift of sobriety was to me and others.
Gradually and grudgingly I began to learn all over again something about the word humility. The willingness to be willing to give of myself. It was the beginning of the most important lesson in my life.