Sometimes, when I get up to start the day, I find myself just bumbling and stumbling along in no direction whatever. This seems to be one of those days.
Last night I read some of Anthony DiMello’s “Awareness”. It’s a book that tells me that the one thing I really don’t want is awareness; being awake. DiMello says that most of us just want to sleep our way through life. We sleep walk through our life away never being aware. We want relief, but not a healing for what’s wrong with us. We want the pain of life to go away. We’re having a nightmare.
Being aware is what the spiritual life is all about. Psychology is a method of just getting enough relief to get by with. It cures nothing. It seems the problem is that we’re tuned in on things we think will make us happy. If I can only have this or that it will make me happy. It hypnotiz! es us. Kathleen used to tell me that we’re mesmerised by things and see them as the reality. We won’t let go and we stay in a trance all the time we’re here on earth.
Sounds a lot like things I have read about in AA. Things like eternal vigilance is the price of sobriety. Or we want just enough perfection with which to get by. Concious contact with God. Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. Getting an open mind. Not having all the answers, but having a faith in the unknown; the courage to changes the things I can.
Like Jack Nicholson said: “You can’t handle the truth.” We’re still stuck in the old ideas. Tom told me it would take dynamite for me to get my mind open. Today, I know that’s true. It’s a struggle to wake up. I’d rather sleep. It’s too comfortable. I don’t want to change. Yet the BB talks ! about change throughout.
I know now that’s what Kathleen was trying to get me to. To take the risk and get an open mind. To throw away all my toys. St. Paul talked about this, when he compared his life as a child to that of a man. He put away the things of his childhood. I’m just beginning to think that way.
Why bother with all this? I’m thinking about the daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. What is essential to my sobriety. The key to which is in my grasp. I only have to be willing to put the key in the lock and open the door. But often I find myself sleeping by the door.
Just some of the stuff I find myself stumbling and bumbling with. Ned
Bring photos to life! New PhotoMail makes sharing a breeze.