A friend of mine says that the only exercise he gets these days is jumping to conclusions and rushing to judgement. Which reminds me of the Appendix II in the BB. The quotation from Herbert Spencer, about contempt prior to investigation…a bar to all arguments and being stuck in everlasting ignorance.
I always laugh when he says this. And it has been many years since I’ve gone back and read Appendix II. But, as I sat down this morning to “meditate”, my mind went back to yesterday’s meeting. A man had complained about his bouts of sudden anger, which he said always began because of his preconceived convictions about people and things. He was looking for a way out.
My first reaction to his presentation was to quote my friend’s regimen for staying in shape. It drew laughs, as I knew it would. But today I realized something and it made me go back to Spencer’s quote. This was one of those epiphanies. It was a wake up call. No wonder I find it sometimes difficult to practice these principles in all my affairs.
It was like the day that I was sitting in church, many moons ago. I was aware of this droning, boring sermon going on, when suddenly I heard the words “self righteousness”. Up to that point I had not even let those words enter my mind as a possible charcter defect. But, now here it was. A realization swept over me of just how judgemental I was over everyone and every thing. It opened the door to the source of so many resentments and anger. But, I really didn’t spend much time on it, because it faded into the past as time has gone on. Now it’s back.
No, I’m not going to go into a long inventory or investigation into my mental processes. But I do know the overall picture of difficulties I often face in my relationships with others. There are so many “automatics” in my response to people and situations, that I can’t help but know that there is something there at the roots of my reactions, which are the result of a habit of thinking that have always been there. Where they came from and the influences that formed them is not important at the moment. They’re there and fixed in place. Talk about a closed mind.
Tom warned me years ago about the old ideas. He was very specific about this. I know that I brushed this off as something I would deal with, if ever I ran into trouble. The trouble is that I was always running into trouble and was totally unaware of it. I just took it as a way that life deals with us. Besides, the words “let go absolutely” was a put off. I decided that I couldn’t let go of anything absolutely. Deep down I now know that I wanted to hang on to some of these. It would take courage and I’m afraid I didn’t have this quality.
I think Tom was trying to encourage me. Later, when I was in counseling with Kathleen, she pretty much told me the same thing. Not pretty much, she did tell me to let go, or suffer the same consequences over and over again.
I couldn’t get any help until I became aware of my situation and the truth of it, when it came to alcohol. Until I saw myself, what it was doing to me, there was no way I was ready to surrender and reach out for recovery. I also knew that there was no way I could do this myself. Without help it was too much for me. I was powerless and needed a Higher Power, Who could empower me to overcome this deadly affliction. I realize the same thing is true of letting go of my old ideas. Just becoming aware is a start.
Just thinking.
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