I want what I want, when I want it, but my sponsor used to say to me that I would get what I would get, when I got it. This business of wanting things goes a long, long way back. Someone once said that they didn’t know what they wanted, but that they knew what they didn’t want. The problem boils down to our wants and our needs, as my sponsor always pointed out to me. He told me that I would have to learn to separate my wants from my needs. He told me that they rarely were the same thing.
Last night, just before I went to sleep, I reread “Freedom from Bondage” for the umpteenth time. What a great story. No wonder I have been compelled to read it so many times. Here is a woman, who wrote so many things I could identify with. Her drinking and alcoholism, of course, but so many other things. Right off the bat, she says about herself that she never did react normally in an emotional situation. The minute I read that, I knew that I never did either. I mean, how many irrational fears did I experience?. How many times did I fly off the handle for the tiniest reason? How many conclusions did I draw, which had no foundation in reality? How many times did I rationalize my actions with how many stupid excuses? How often did I see myself as the victim of everyone else? And how paranoid was I, when I finally did come to this program? She hit the nail right on the head.
And, right up front she talked about her growing up in a manner, where she now was able to see the cause of her real problems. She says that she knew that doctors might say that she was the product of her environment and the things which were done to her growing up. However, she realized that AA would tell her that her problem was really how she reacted to her cicrcumstances. Eighth step.
Her description of her deepest resentment and its solution is classic. I always am drawn back to the steps she took in order to get herself into the sunlight of the spirit. It always reminds me of my sponsor’s question of me; to what lengths was I willing to go to stay sober? Talk about having a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps; here it is so well drawn out.
But, what I was thinking about was her closing. No matter what my wants might have been, I really didn’t know what I wanted. What I really knew is what I didn’t want. But “want” was my middle name. I wanted things which I thought would make me happy. Like her, I wanted success and money. But, like her, I found none of this or other baubles could fill that hole in my center. For that there was only alcohol. There was a time, when the ache of that void would be calmed by alcohol’s release. Then came the time, when alcohol only made it worse. It became the pain and chained me to it. Like her, I didn’t know what would fill that emptiness. Like her, I didn’t know it was God.
Then she concludes that she doesn’t always get what she wants in this program, but that she always gets what she needs. And when she gets what she needs, she always finds that’s what she wanted all along. Me too. The restoration to sanity. I don’t need a drink. Like her, I have God and the program and the help of so many people, just like me.