For the last couple of days, I have been looking for a subject I need to be thinking about. Today, I picked up the BB and opened it at random and there it was. “Then he fell victim to a belief which practically every alcoholic has—that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink as other men.” That Bill W.; what a guy!
If I don’t periodically do a check up on myself, I just might end up like the man he was talking about. You know, the business man in the Third Chapt. “This case contains a powerful lesson.” I might think to myself, I don’t need that lesson, because I know all about not drinking and sobriety. I’ve been around so long that this doesn’t apply to me. Then why does he say that? He doesn’t say, oh, yes, this doesn’t apply to those, who have been in this program a long time and haven’t drank. He talks about a belief which practically every alcoholic has. I’m an alcoholic and I must be in there somewhere. Maybe I should pay attention to this powerful lesson.
One woman said today that she’ll never graduate from this program and that makes her happy to know that. Ditto. This is a program that tells me that I don’t have all the answers and that I always need to be open to learning. I have to have the humility to know that I have to stay teachable. The HOW of the program; honesty, openmindedness, and willingness. If I close my mind to anything in this program, I’m shutting the door to the possibilities before me.
Bill says that “Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally…We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: ‘Once and alcoholic, always an alcoholic.'”
Can I, will I ever forget that? My first response is to say “no! Absolutely not!” But, wait a minute. I have personally witnessed any number of men and women, who have been sober a lot of years and who seemed to have great programs and guess what? You’ve got it. They did drink again. They must have believed just as Bill said they would. They must have believed they could drink normally.
“If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol.” I remember my sponsor having me go through a list of possible reservations and telling me to get rid of them. I think I did. But what’s this “lurking notion” about? Lurking doesn’t sound too cool.
Deep down, I do believe that we all have the “seeds” deeply imbeded for the next drink. I truly believe that I will never be rid of these seeds. After all this time, I still have had “drunk dreams”. That should tell me something. Something is lurking in the depths. Hidden from my conscious mind. The old saw that the longer we stay sober, the closer we get to our next drink was what the old timers used to tell us. It might just be true, because those old timers saw a lot of this stuff.
I remember one old timer, who was in the vanguard of sobriety. He seemed to have everything wrapped up and was pretty confident and secure in his knowledge of alcoholism and how to stay sober. His wife died and he drank again. He confessed later that he was filled with self pity and resentment. I also remember another old timer, who said he didn’t know that he was drinking again, when he was. He ended up on the psych ward screaming bitter invectives at everyone and everything to do with this program. I’ve never seen so much hate come out of an individual.
So, I know this is all possible for me, as it has been for all of those who’ve gone down this deep dark road. I pray that I may never get there. I want to stay sober and I know to do that, I have to face the truth of Bill’s words square on. I better do what the book says for me to do. I better do what my sponsor told me a long time ago, “When all else fails, follow directions.” I need to stay grateful for God’s grace and for what I have today. I need to remember that without help it’s too much for me.