Everything in our lives boil down to one thing: relationships. Or the lack thereof. As Bill W. points out, our inability to form true partnerships with other human beings. When it comes to this part of our life, we were failures. Whether in the home, at work, or in our communities. Our lives were unamanageable. For us, isolation was preferable.
My problem was that I drank in bars and I was always running into people. Eventually people ran into me. I so affected those around me that many left me alone. Friends withdrew and even acquaintences. Isolation was more a random thing than chosen. And Bill says that in the end we were struck down and left in terrifying loneliness. That describes to me what alcohol did to me. Why would I or anyone of us want to return to that way of life?
Many of us talk about the willingness to do anything not to go back. To all of us it means working the steps and surrendering to this program. When we stop doing this, we tend to go back. My sponsor told me that I had failed to grow up and mature and become an adult. Bill talks about it as an adventure. The adventure he talks about is forming the best possible relationships with others.
In order to do this, I had to begin by letting go of anger. What a job that was. I learned a lot about that from my sponsor and in the 4th and 5th steps. I also learned more in my dealings with 6 and 7. But, it was put into practical experience in my 8th and 9th steps. It was there that I began the process of letting go of all those resentments I had piled up throughout my life. I know that these were spawned over and over again through the use of alcohol. Alcohol fanned the flames of resentment and I was consumed with them. Little did I know that I was to be restored to society and friends through the process of the steps.
At the beginning I had little or no hope of ever completing this process; that of growing up. Upon completion of the steps, I was beginning to see a little daylight. But it wasn’t complete yet. I had to learn to commit myself daily to this process and to continue to practice these things in my life. As I did, I began to see the smoke clear and eventually I began to grow. And through the people in AA I began to experience this growth, as I was helped to grow closer to so many individuals around me.
Today I know that the past is over, as long as I apply this program to my life. I know the damage I did to others is slowly fading as time goes on. I also know that things are different with other people. I no longer view others as “them” or “they”. I can more clearly see my faults and know how to accept responsibility for my actions, regardless what others might do. I think that I can now be an example of how this program works. I can’t tell you how grateful this makes me.
To practice these principles in all my affairs takes work. It takes my willingness and God’s grace, plus the help of others to accomplish this. This is the way to freedom. Freedom from the obsession to drink. I pray that one day at a time I may continue to be willing and to try each day to be a better human being.
Just thinking.