When I first came into the program, something happened. I was so happy to be in out of the alcoholic storm that I grabbed on and hung on tight. Then in a short time I found myself being lifted up onto cloud nine. What a great ride, I thought. This AA way of life was great. I didn’t have to make up my mind about anything. People asked me to do this and that and I was glad to do it. Make the coffee; OK. Put up the chairs; OK. Empty the ashtrays; OK. Do this do that; OK. No sweat. Everything was ok. I think I said yes to everything.
Then, one morning I awoke and everything was different. Everything was not OK. Suddenly things were becoming difficult. It was like slogging through a swamp, knee deep in muck. I had fallen off cloud nine and hit the bricks with a big thump. Boom! I was on the ground again. I didn’t know it, but my ego was back and had taken over. And, guess what? I began to think that this AA way of life was not so great. I was sure I had done the third step, but it wasn’t working. What had gone wrong?
I know what it was…now. I was faced with making decisions. What? I thought that God was going to do this. If not God, then my sponsor. Somebody. My wife. My kids. But not me. I wasn’t good at this stuff. That’s what my parents were for. What was I doing with this stuff? And slowly it became clear, as my sponsor pointed out; God would do the impossible and it was up to me to do the possible. One of those possibles was that I had to make the choices and make a decision.
People were running around in this program reciting the Serenity Prayer. Not me. I couldn’t understand it. Or was that wouldn’t. They were always saying it and I was trying to ignore it. Fat chance. They were always saying it and it was hard not to hear it. All the while I was thinking give me the wisdom. I didn’t want to go through the process of trying to figure out what God would do and what someone wanted me to do. Make a decision.
About that time someone told me, probably Tom my sponsor, that no decision was a decision. Usually a bad one. Then one day I read a meditation, which said, “Make up your mind!” It repeated that statement. Make up your mind.
This growing up stuff was painful. Decisions I found had consequences. So, I finally made up my mind that I had to start to conciously make decisions. I began to understand what the Serenity prayer was all about. I began to say it. I made decisions and some were bad, but just as many others were good. I learned what others were for; not to make my decisions for me, but to listen to me and help me along the path, so that I began to make better and better decisions.
The one decision I make, I make each day. That one is not to take that first drink. I also make a decision each day to ask for God’s will for me and to ask for the power to carry it out. These decisions I know are the right ones and everytime I make a decision like that the others become easier. The program becomes easier; just like it was in the beginning, when everything was OK.
I was just thinking about this and other things.
The fish are biting.