It’s amazing how much I can find, if I would pause for a moment and think about it. I’m talking about those things within ourselves, as well as without.
Yesterday, I opened the BB and read some of the chapter, Working with Others. I was especially struck by the last few words. It read something to the effect that our problems were of our own making. I would have changed that word “were” to “are”. I’m still the guy trying to run this show. That’s led me to this pause today.
But the next few words were of particular interest to me. We have to stop fighting everyone and everything. Echoes of the tenth step. But it was the warning in the last sentence which grabbed me. We have to!
I think Bill knew what he was saying. Constant warfare with the world around us and its people, even those in the program we don’t agree with, begins to wear us down. I know how exhausting this can be over time. I can remember how I fought with all the old timers back early on in this program. I never opened my mouth, but mentally and emotionally I was fighting them all the time. I was constantly refusing to give in. It wasn’t just limited to them.
I was in silent warfare with everyone. I would put on a placid face and even smile, But behind that smile was a bubbling cauldron of anger. Once in a while someone would spot it. They could see it right behind my eyes and sometimes they’d call me out for it. Especially my sponsor.
This kind of quiet struggling saps us of our core energy. And just when we need really need it, we find it isn’t there. Our defenses are down and we find we’re too tired to raise them up.
Our dependency we find is not on God, but ourselves. In the end we find that we’ve been fighting not others, but our Higher Power.
Anyway that’s my take on this. I could be wrong, but I backed off today and thought about the process. I did this because I could see where this might lead. That line, where we might have no mental defense against the first drink jumps out at me. That doesn’t happen suddenly. It takes time. Time to wear myself down.
I know how subtle this stuff can be. After a long absence of booze in our lives, this kind of mental and emotional warfare can creep back in. It starts out as no big thing. I can get used to this kind of thinking. There’s no outward screaming or shouting. An occassional harsh word or two, but nothing spectacular to draw my attention to what’s really going on. But a constant nagging tiredness begins to be the background of our days.
Prayer and meditation become difficult. It’s hard to pray to Someone I’m trying to ignore.
Anyway, it’s subtle. After all, alcohol is a subtle foe.