I was reminded today of the importance of the first word in the steps; “We”. Listening to the struggles and fears of some, this word kept popping up in my mind.
I don’t know about you all, but that was a difficult word to absorb into my vocabulary. My ego wouldn’t let me do it. It was always all about me. “I” was the main subject of my thoughts and my talk. We was a long way off.
So was God. As long as I held the we at bay, so long did I keep God out of the picture. There wasn’t room for a Higher Power, as long as I was it. First I had to get to we.
It’s amazing to me that I stayed sober during those early days of sobriety. It took a lot of ego puncturing by my sponsor and some of those old timers. It also took a lot of “suggestions” from my sponsor to act as if. When they say we didn’t know how to live, this was what it was all about to me. I didn’t know how to be a part of. I felt always apart from.
Gradually I began to undergo some of that ego deflation in depth. I began to be able to mix with others and to become part of the group. I began to grow into something else besides myself. A lot of twelfth step work at the beginning with my first sponsor contributed a lot to this change. I was learning concern for someone else besides me.
But, like the BB says, a lifetime of selfishness and self centeredness is not turned around overnight.
It wasn’t that I didn’t identify with others, but it was just that I fought not to become like these others with whom I identified. But, eventually I became one of you. How grateful I am that this happened to me.
The reason I was thinking about all of this is that someone once said something, which stuck in my mind. Here I was, sitting there, listening to people who were talking about pain and suffering. I remembered a man saying that he thought God had often given him more than he could handle, but not more that we can handle together. He brought a message to me that I don’t want to forget. And that message was to ask for help. Not to go it alone.
I was told in the beginning that we never have to be alone again. Gradually I learned that I could be alone but not lonely. But it’s the idea of “we”, which puts that into context. I know that I can talk to others, but more importantly that others understand. I hope I can remember that the next time I need help.
Just another thought I was having, when thinking about how to stay sober.