I was thinking today about a couple of things, which have a lot to do with my staying sober.
One was happiness and the other is just the opposite…fear.
There was a time in my sobriety, when a lot of my thinking and feelings were influenced by fear. Fear of the drink was one of them. It probably did much to keep me from going back out. The idea that I might just be at risk to go back out again scared the hell out of me.
I stuck close to my sponsor, the meetings, and my friends, and prayed a lot for help in those times. Come to think about it, I still do, although what motivates me has changed.
But fear of all kinds of things pursued me in my sobriety. Fear of death, illness, poverty, broken relationships…just name it. Then, through the practice of the steps and support I received from my sponsor and friends I had made in the program, these fears began to melt away. Something else began to take their place. Happiness.
When I was out there drinking, the only things which made me happy, besides being sure I had enough to drink, were things. Maybe it was money in my pocket. It could be a relationship or even a new car. But the truth was that I was throwing things down into a bottomless pit, and the fear was becoming more pervasive. The problem in “early” sobriety was that my mind and my pursuits for happiness wasn’t all that much different. I still thought things and certain kind of relationships were the answer. The fear was ever present.
But as time went on and the program began to really take hold of me, my attitude began to change and all of a sudden, it seemed, there it was; happiness. I was really happy for the first time in my adult life. How did I get there? Nothing materially had changed. I was probably worse off materially than when I came in, if that was possible. I think I had less money than before, my car was old and in need of repairs. My marriage was headed for the rocks. On the surface anyway, things would seem to have looked bleak.
But it was what was happening within me that was different. I can remember reading and finally understanding what the BB said about happiness. Happiness was a byproduct of right living. Doing more of the right things, thinking more of the right thoughts, and trying to practice these principles in all my affairs. Not necessarily succeeding in all these areas, but trying just a little bit harder.
There’s a lot more to it than just all that, but in general it’s just working the program on a daily basis. As the Doctor’s Opinion said, following a few simple rules. It’s really just staying sober…today. That makes me happy.