I heard something today, which reminded me of myself. A person, who had just undergone a tradgedy and blaming themselves for that tragedy. That was myself, especially early on in the program. I can still see traces of this in myself today.
In talking to an old friend of mine this weekend, I was reminded of what the BB said, when it was telling us something of how this program works. “This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work.” I used to ask myself, “how am I playing God?” I couldn’t see it. I looked all around for the answer and didn’t see it, although I later learned it was as plain as the nose on my face.
Then one day I heard it in my own words: “It’s my fault.” What was my fault? Anything and everything. Because I must have grown up believing that I was always at fault. If something went wrong is was because of me. I somehow learned that it was up to me to control whatever went wrong. This kind of thinking put me in charge of the world. My world anyway.
No wonder my sponsor told me not to watch the news, when I came in. It spead “my responsibility” worldwide.
It meant that I must have somehow felt that I was in control. In whatever arena I was operating in, I was somehow playing God. That’s a heavy load for anyone to carry and the possibility of collapsing under the weight of that load could have meant a drink. Guilt of that kind is hard to bear. And I could feel the weight of that guilt constantly. I had to stop playing God. I had to come to know at some point how to let go. I had to get the “coulda, should, and oughtas” out of my life. I needed freedom, not just from the booze, but from my own thinking.
If I had been paying attention back then, I would have seen that the answer was in the next few sentences. I was to make that decision to hand over to God’s care my will and my life. It makes me wonder if I really knew what I was saying in reading the Third Step Prayer.
No wonder the BB tells us that we have to let go of the old ideas absolutely or the results would be nil. What a task that has been. That’s a lifetime process I’ve discovered. But, if I want to stay sober, I have to work at that a day at a time.
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