Last night and this morning I was thinking about an image. Really my self image.
Often we talk about lack of self esteem. I don’t really think it’s that. I’m really not sure what that means. Instead, I do understand what I mean by what I think about myself.
When I came in, I really thnk I hated myself. I felt lower than the bottom of the ocean. At the end of my drinking, I was on my way to kill myself. Fortunately for me, someone stopped me and one man opened my mind to a new way lof life. A sober life. So, I couldn’t have really have had such an awful opinion of myself, because I chose life.
Why am I talking about this? Because, I still have a problem with this kind of thinking from time to time. The idea that I’m not good enough, and on the other hand the idea that I know everything. The idea that I’m not worth it, and yet the idea that I should be running whatever is around me. Yet neither of the images of myself is of any value in this sober spiritual way of life we’re trying to live. They’re all in my head, but they are familiar, and I seem to want to hang on to the familiar. Part of my old ideas I must learn to let go of.
Both of these images of myself are nothing more than pride. My ego. And pride and ego are impediments to a sober way of life. So my job, as I see it, is to get someplace in between the two extremes of my self image. I know that place is called humility. Deflation of my ego in depth.
Anyway, I was just thinking about this stuff and knnow I stilll have a way to go with all of it. But, I also know, that I’ve come a long way from where I was, when I came in. I must have, because I’m still sober and willing to do whatever needs to be done to maintain this way of life. But every once in a while I will find myself drifting back into my old ideas about myself.
I’ll keep trying. I think it’s a good thing to stop once in a while and remember what it used to be like and what it’s like today. Today is good.
Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha!