No wonder Bill and the first oldtimers were so down on that one defect of character of ours. Anger. That old bugaboo, which followed us into this program and is still waiting in the wings to take over our life. Want a guarnteed ticket to a drink? Just keep playing around with this one.
We may dress it up any way we want to, but underneath, it’s just pure raw anger. We can tell people this or that doesn’t bother us, and that all we are is depressed. But it’s still what we’ve always done in the past; denial. I came in with all this stuff. I know it book, chapter, and verse. I used to call them grudges. Just another word for resentments.
I was listening to a new man today about his stuggles with this. I think any one of us could have finished his story for him. Later I was able to talk to him and knew exactly where he was at and what he was going through. But I also knew he had to find a solution befroe he drank. I went through the same thing myself, over and over again. It’s a wonder I was able to stay sober. But then I had a wonderful sponsor and all these old timers. And of course the BB.
But afterward I had to stop and think. The truth is that I’m really not done with this stuff. It’s still just around the corner. And it may be down deep inside of me. I was looking around the room and then looking around at my family. I was looking around at the world around me. I thought, how many people do I see, who really tick me off and yet I just brush this stuff aside and tell myself that it’s not important and it doesn’t really bother me? Really? Maybe it’s time to tell myself the truth and just clean up all this dust and lint in the corner of my mind. Maybe it’s time to take the BB to heart and look at the solution laid out there. After all Bill wrote a lot about this subject. It must have been really important.
I know one thing. Sobriety is the most important thing in my life. Without it I’m a dead man. Without it I wouldn’t have the time or luxury to find the answer to something like this, before it killed me.
No, I don’t want this stuff to be creeping up on me and sandbagging me. I truly want to stay sober. I need to stay sober. So, maybe it’s time to check things out. After all, I was given the tools to do this. I know that when the phone rings, this is what I going to hear people talking about. I’m kidding myself if I think I’m immune.
Anyway, that’s what I was thinking about today.
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