What did I expect? I don’t know how many times I’ve said that to myself. It reveals something about me, that I had expectations of something. One of those is a revelation of how self centered and selfish I really am.
I remember years ago, reading an essay by a Swiss psychiatrist. I think the title was something about gift giving. What he said that when we ordinarily give a gift we are looking for something in return. Most gifts he pointed out are not freely given. There is an expectation attached. At the very least we expect an expression of gratitude as the result and often something more from the recipient of our gift.
Does that speak to our egotism or what? Mine, anyway. For instance, I can remember when I first entered into the process of the ninth and tenth steps, more the tenth than the ninth, when I would try to make amends for something I had done, that I had expectations of the other person. I would often make my apologies and then there was something in me that wanted the person to respond and admit their “wrong doing”. I am reminded of one time I was making such an amend, when I said something to the effect to the person I was apologizing to, that I forgave them of whatever they had done to cause me to have to make the amend. That led to a period of two years before the person ever spoke to me again. I had completely forgotten Bill’s caution about restraint of tongue and pen. I was too anxious to get what I expected.
My sponsor warned me about lending money to friends or acquaintances in the program. He said that it could lead to deep resentments and possibly a drink. He told me that if I was to give money to someone I was to give it as a gift, with no strings attached. No expectations of it ever being returned. I’ve never forgotten that and when occasions have come up to do this, and they have, I did just that. I have made it a point to let the person know that I didn’t want it back and maybe someday, when they ran into someone in a similar situation, they would do the same.
We are told that this is a program of ego deflation in depth. Or, at least we should have been told this. One of those things is to rid ourselves of expectations. I’ve been told that expectations are a down payment on a resentment(s). I can testify to the truth of that in my own experience. If nothing else, expectations can lead to disappointments and even ongoing bitterness. Unfulfilled expectations can even lead to a drink. I’ve witnessed that in any number of situations over a period of years.
I was thinking about this today and doing something to rid myself of expectations, at least for this day, with the help of my higher power and those I know in this program.