I was thinking about my thoughts. Sound funny? In a way it is. But what I was thinking about is how important are they? When I came in I had so many thoughts it was like they were on a rapid paced conveyer belt just running past my mind’s eye. I couldn’t control or stop them. And worse, my mind tried to grab onto each one as they went flying by. Everyone of them seemed so important. And what were they? They were all negative.
What about this? And what about that? What if? And, oh, that’s awful and that one is worse. What’s going to happen to me? I’m doomed. I’ll never make it. I can’t do this. And on and on. Nothing good and nothing positive. No wonder I was scared to death. My sponsor kept telling me not to think. Oh, yeah. Just try and shut the coveyer belt off.
As time went on the conveyer belt gradually slowed. But the thoughts still kept coming. In fact, I believed I was beginning to think deeper and greater thoughts. The question of my ego and my pride hadn’t come up yet, so I was free to roam anywhere I wanted to with these “deep” intellectual thoughts. Finally I found thoughts I felt I was destined to have. I began to analyze everything. Deep analysis. I found I was able to pick things apart. Even the simplest of ideas to the most complex. What I didn’t see was that negative bent to these thoughts. Thoughts that began to rewrite the BB and thoughts about God and if there was or wasn’t a God. Thoughts about my circumstances. How could I get out of this or that? My finances. My family. And on and on. I didn’t see how much my feelings and emotions controlled how I thought.
But over time and surrendering to the program and working the steps the thinking process began to slow down. Especially when I began to grasp the importance of taking action instead of sitting there and thinking. I began to emerge from thoughts which were the seeds of resentment and self pity. Thoughts which could have and probably would have led to a drink. One very important aspect of all of this was that I began to talk to others, who had long term sobriety and opened up to them about what I was thinking. And, I began to listen to them. I began to hear what they were saying.
Before that all I could hear was what I was thinking.
Today I realize that what I think is not all that important. What I do is. I’ve learned that the theorys I come up with don’t measure up to the results of what I do. Bill emphasized this over and over; this is an action program. Whether that action is working a step or just talking to another person. And, Bill said this is a spiritual program of action. That’s the key. I’m either going forward or backward. There’s no standing still. I heard it compared to being on a down escalator. You have to keep your feet moving or the minute you stop you’ll find yourself going backward.
The truth is that it’s not all that complicated. I don’t have to strain. In fact, just the opposite. All I have to do is to remember that what I think is not all that important. The thinking has already been done for me by a whole lot of people before me. People who learned what I am learning. I only have to stop listening to what my ego wants me to think and remember what I have been told. Nothing I will think of is new.
Finally, the capper on all of this came from my sponsor, when he told me that I was educated beyond my intelligence. I learned from him that others might be right and that I could be wrong. So much for thinking.